Monday, December 20, 2010

Dear Motorcycle

Dear Motorcycle,

You are calling to me. Begging me to ride you. One day soon I will. If I'm gonna die eventually, I might as well do it in a grand way and enjoy myself. And that means that if you kill me, at least I'll die happy and with a big grin on my face.

You are so shiny and pretty, you call to me. You beg me to ride you off into the sunset.

Next year is going to be the year. I will learn to ride you and then I will get that pretty little endorsement on my license. You just wait motorcycle.

Your Covetous Friend,


Sunday, December 19, 2010

Dear C

Dear C,

I heard you speak in sacrament meeting a few years ago. It left a lasting impression. I thought to myself, I want to marry a guy like that. I didn't even know anything about you. Whether or not you were single, in a relationship, divorced, basically, I didn't know anything. And then one day I discovered you were in my ward and learned a little more about you. Then you came and taught relief society. It wasn't even my idea, but you wowed me.

Do you know I wanted to get to know you after that? It took me like 3 or 4 months to even get the nerve to talk to you outside of asking you calling related stuff. I know I seem all that confident, but trust me, it was about the most I've ever been out of my comfort zone to drop something off at your house. I think it took about a week for me to talk myself into it.

Then, I thought, maybe you were the slightest bit interested. But then you didn't call, or really do much of anything. Did I do something? Did you discover all my deep dark secrets that really aren't deep and dark or all that secret? Or are you so overwhelmed with life that I'd just be another distraction? You know, I'd be a good distraction.

You know this probably sounds retarded coming from me, but I really feel clueless when it comes to guys. The only ones I dated all crashed and burned pretty good. Let's be honest, I've learned to never give a guy my garage code, or my visa unless he's married to me.

And call me crazy, but all I want in a guy is someone like you. You aren't flashy. You don't feel the need to drive a fancy car or to wear trendy clothes, and you are frugal. I can hold a decent conversation with you and I find myself so attracted to you. I see you and my heart does this little happy skip.

Maybe I put you on a pedestal. I see you and I think, wow. You motivate me to be a better person. I want to be the girl you see potential in. I want to be the girl you think is amazing. I want to be the girl who speaks in church and you look at her and think "I want to marry a girl like that".

I hope someday you see me. Not just in a dress at church, but I hope you really see me. I could totally rock your world if you gave me a chance.

Your Admirer,


Sunday, December 12, 2010

Dear Family

Dear Family,

I am so blessed to have you all. Tonight I've been reflecting on how blessed I am. Recently, I had a demonic stomach flu that left me puking and laying on the bathroom floor for hours. Mom came and brought me medicine and Christine came and took care of me for a few hours. How wonderful they were.

It sucked laying there and hoping the sick would end enough that I could lay in my bed or somewhere that wasn't tile, but having wonderful family drop whatever they were doing to care for me made me realize how loved I am. Thanks for that.

And Ang, what a brilliant sewer you are. You fixed what I attempted and probably made worse when I ripped my dress. And way better too. I used a needle and markers. Mine didn't turn out so well. Markers really aren't the best idea to color thread.

And Ben. You were so worried about me having a garage code that let certain people into my house that you came over in the morning and brought a ladder and helped me change it. It's nice to know you care enough to help me.

Dad raises cows and then shares the meat with us. The meat is way better and way cheaper than what stores have. And in the summer he shares his garden full of produce and his orchard full of fruit. He works so hard and he taught me the value of work. Despite his knees being in so much pain, he keeps going and doesn't give up.

And Jen so far away, yet we talk almost daily. And you fix my hair. When I told you the girl made it really blonde, you said not to worry, you'd put some brown back in. And I know you will. You are such a good sister. So considerate. You send us presents for our birthday. And I should send you more than I do.

And Becca. My sweet Becca is always so kind. I know she always will share or help me if she can. And she makes my nails pretty knowing that I'll probably mess them up in an hour because I love french manicures. And the same goes with pretty painted toes. She knows they won't last but does them anyways because it makes me happy.

Bridget calls me and we can talk about the runs we want to do together even if we don't always get them done. And we can laugh over the airheaded things we both do. And she is fun to just sit around and talk to. Thanksgiving was fun with her.

Carrie is a hardworking woman who never ceases to amaze me with all she does. She graduated with a nursing degree while raising 9 kids. Thats a lot to take on. And she works. She worked graveyards for a while and then took care of the kids on top of everything else. And eating at her house is way better than a restaurant. The Leone family can cook. It's too bad they don't live next door because I'd eat dinner at their house every night.

Family, thank you for who you are. For all you do. For being there when I'm sick, for being there when I'm sad, for being there to share in my joyous and triumphant moments. For cheering me on at the Half Ironman finish and getting me to the finish line. For supporting me in so many ways. I love you all and I am so glad you are a part of my life.



Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Dear Santa Les,

Dear Santa Les,

This year I've decided to be super selfish and ask for many things. I know you exists Santa Les, so here's what I want:

1. A certain guy to stop hitting on me
2. Tomatoes. I miss being able to pick fresh ones and the attempt to plant one in a planter and bring it in the house for winter failed miserably.
3. Can I please get a date with a guy with the following qualities: A short term memory, not covered entirely in tattoos, a real job that makes more than $7 an hour, is not secretly gay, has motivation, wants kids (yes plural, more than one), works hard, doesn't have a porn addiction, doesn't tell me my chest is too small, actually goes to church and has a temple recommend, and who is intelligent enough to hold a decent conversations with me. I know thats asking a lot considering the blind dates I've been set up on in the past, but all men don't belong on the Island of Unwanted Toys. Surely there are some regular decent ones.
4. Can the date turn into a love slave? I'd really like my driveway shoveled by someone else when it snows and I'm about to break down and buy a snowblower. It might save me $500.
5. Mmmm, italian salad and maybe some stromboli. Can you tell it's dinnertime? I think Santa Les might have to make some.
6. Permission to throw away ugly little Christmas decorations people give me. I know I'm not decorative, but why should I hang up something horrendous when I can trash it and be perfectly content.
7. A fireplace in my bedroom. I've come to realize that I love my fireplace. Can I move my bedroom into the family room and put my bed next to the fireplace?
8. Is it too much to ask for a motorcycle? They are really shiny and pretty.
9. Do they make break-proof food processors? I've ruined about of those things in the past year. I don't want to buy a new one if I'm just going to break it again.
10. And finally, can I please please please please please please please put a hot tub in my kitchen? I don't really use the table and it would be way more fun to have hot tub parties indoors where it's warm.

Love your really really well behaved present coveter,


Sunday, November 7, 2010

Dear Nice Person

Dear Nice Person,

I don't know who you are, or why you left a nice treat on my doorstep, but thank you. Church was hard today with the ward split. All the people I usually sat with are in the other ward, and there are very few singles in my new ward. And they are pretty much old enough to be my parent or grandparent. I kinda felt like crying when I went to sacrament meeting and couldn't really find anyone to sit by. I know thats silly, but I am a girl and entitled to cry once in a while. I didn't, I just felt like it, and thats ok too.

Luckily my neighbors the live across the street sat by me. It made my day. I know it will get better and I will get to know the families in the ward, but it sure would be nice to have a couple of singles my age too. Since I can't plan on that happening, I just need a good attitude and to get to be friends with people who have kids. I'll get there, the good attitude is just a little slow in coming.

Anyways, random person who left me a treat, thank you. It made me realize there are people who love and care about me, and who think of me. I felt loved and it felt nice.



Sunday, October 31, 2010

Dear J

Dear J,

I woke up this morning and thought of you. I felt like I needed to write you this letter while you were on my mind. I just wanted you to know that I'm going to miss not having you in my ward. You are such a great woman.

I know that life hasn't always been easy for you, and in a way, you remind me of me and where I was at a few years ago.

After placing my son for adoption, it was difficult for me to go to church. I didn't want to be reminded of eternal families especially when my son had just been sealed to someone else. It hurt. I didn't want to hope or to dream, and I didn't know if I'd ever have that in my life. At times, I've felt such a lonliness that the ache in my heart seemed as bad as physical pain.

I wish I could tell you at what point it got easier, I don't know. I kept going because I knew I needed to. I knew that the only way I could get through it would be with the help of our Savior. And the only way I could have his help is to accept it and listen to the promptings that came.

Please know that things will get easier. I don't know when, I don't know how, but I do know that you are a special daughter of God and he has great things in store for you. In conference about a year ago, Elder Wirthlin gave a talk about the difficulties in life and it touched me.

The third thing we can do is understand the principle of compensation. The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude.

One of the blessings of the gospel is the knowledge that when the curtain of death signals the end of our mortal lives, life will continue on the other side of the veil. There we will be given new opportunities. Not even death can take from us the eternal blessings promised by a loving Heavenly Father. Because Heavenly Father is merciful, a principle of compensation prevails.

This talk gave me hope, it gave me much to think about, and it made me realize how blessed I am. The Lord has compensated me for my losses in so many ways. All I need to do is look around and I can see the windows of heaven that were opened to pour blessings on me. I know it will be the same for you. Don't give up. Things will continue to get better.

When you are ready to go back to the temple, let me know. I will go with you. When you want to go and don't have anyone to go with you, let me know, I'll go with you then too. I've discovered a power and a spirit in the temple that I never knew existed. I am so grateful that I have a temple nearby to attend.

You are a daughter of God. You are a great woman. Don't ever doubt that. Don't settle for less than you are worth. I know that you deserve the best in everything. If you don't feel that way, pray and ask the Lord to help you feel that way and he will.

I so love you. I am sad that we won't sit together at church any more, but you are lucky that you have so many great women in your ward to sit by. I will miss them. I hope you enjoy the ladies who are there. They are wonderful.



Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Dear Fresh Salsa

Dear Fresh Salsa,

Do you realize what you did to me? Not only did I reek of garlic and onion for hours, but you apparently didn't think that was enough. You decided to beat me up on the inside too. Thank you for keeping me awake from about 2am to 5am last night.

Thanks to you, I think I've cured myself of any and all desire to eat you. In fact, at the moment, the thought of eating you is right up there with celery and chicken soup. Ugh...just the smell of them makes me gag. Oh, and just the thought of you at the moment also makes me want to gag. I want any and all signs of you out of my house and my mind. You tormented me enough in the night.

And people probably about dropped dead if they got near me from the onion smell. You probably chased away all my friends and then you left me curled up in a ball in the middle of the night wishing I hadn't ever eaten you. On the bright side of things, I have cured myself of any and all desire to eat you, so I should be able to dump on a gallon of perfume and at some point my friends will return and I won't smell like an onion.

I hope you enjoy your journey to the landfill. You aren't coming back.


Thursday, October 21, 2010

Dear Diary

Dear Diary,

Do you keep my deep dark secrets that I don't write in you? Do you feel sad that you were given to me last year and you still have all blank pages? Do you mourn because of your lack of attention?

Well, mourn no more. I will give you away to someone who will give you a new home. Rachel, Cassie, Christine, anyone? Want a nice big diary to write in?

I suppose I should use you, but I don't. And since I don't do clutter and junk, out you go!

Bye Bye,


Sunday, October 10, 2010

Dear Brig, Ethan, And Hailey

Dear Brig, Ethan, And Hailey,

Thank you for being my 3 special pals for part of last week and this week. I know it was stressful and hard with your dad in the hospital, and your mom there with him, but for me, it was great to have you for even just a little while.

I loved that you wanted me to play with you. I loved being needed, and for just a little moment I felt what it must be like to be a mom. Brig, I felt so loved when you came and sat on my lap and just wanted me to hold you. And when we drove down the road singing primary songs it reminded me of my childhood and how my mom taught me about Jesus Christ.

Then when we drove down with the windows open trying out all sorts of indian chants, and yells, I just have to laugh at the memory of random people looking at our car trying to figure out why we were screaming and being so loud.

It also made me have much admiration for mothers, especially your own. She is such a hard worker. And a good mom to each of you. All of my sisters are wonderful with their kids, and also each others children. You are so incredibly blessed to have so many people who love you.

I am glad you got to do a few fun things with me while you were here. Someday you'll be grown and I hope you look back on the time we spent together with fondness.



Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Dear Fresh Salsa

Dear Fresh Salsa,

You are turning me into an addict. I think I could eat you for breakfast. Wait, I've done that. I think I could eat you for lunch. Yup, done that too. And I just ate you for dinner. In fact, you are so tasty, I could eat you for all 3 meals...check done that too.

Your only flaw: You leave me reaking of garlic and onion. Everyone who gets within 10 feet of me probably can smell it on me. It's probably a really really good man magnet. What guy wouldn't want a girl who smells like onion and garlic from a mile away. Garlic is sexy. It brings in the vampires, uh I'm confused, it drives them away. Which is good because I don't really want a Twilight wanna be vampire man anyways. And the man daisy dukes they wear in the movies, do they not realize they are called daisy dukes for a reason? They aren't manly on a man.

Anyways, fresh salsa, I love making you, smelling you, eating you. You are some tasty stuff. And healthy too. No preservatives. Made with garlic, onion, tomato, peppers, fresh squeezed lemon juice and salt and pepper. MMMmmm, good stuff. Too bad I finished you off for dinner a few minutes ago. Now I won't get you for breakfast and lunch tomorrow.

Confessed Salsa Addict,


Sunday, September 26, 2010

Dear Peaches

Dear Peaches,

You have been some of my most favorite produce this year. In fact, I've had more of you than any other fruit in the past few months. And no, I'm not talking about the peaches, plums, alfalfa thing. I'm talking off the tree fruit. I'm sure those kind of peaches would be nice, but there's a time and place and a person and I've got 3 of those that need to align first.

Anyhow, you've been my breakfast, lunch and dinner at times and I still love you!!! Why? You are yummy and tasty. I even broke my fruit rule for you. I only allow myself a certain amount of fruit a day, but you my tasty tempter managed to get me to eat more of you than my normal allotment.

This morning, I made multi-grain french toast and put you and whip cream on them. So tasty. Such a tragedy that I do not have any peaches left for breakfast tomorrow. But so grateful to Christine for letting me raid her peaches to get some in the first place.

You are so great. I am glad you exist and grateful Heavenly Father created you.


Thursday, September 23, 2010

Dear Easter Egg

Dear Easter Egg,

You are the reason one should never ever have an indoor egg hunt through one's house. At least you weren't a real egg, only one filled with rock hard nasty candy.

I am glad the ants and bugs didn't find their way into you brilliant, yet months long, hiding place. I am glad I pay the pest control to come on a regular basis so that this wasn't a possiblity. I am glad I didn't find any bugs despite your icky nature. Had I done so, this would be more of a freak out panic stricken letter. Instead, I am grateful that you chose to behave other than hiding when I wanted you to be found.

You know, I always thought it was a bad idea to have an indoor egg hunt, but it was dark and cold, so the bad idea won out. Note to self: Bad ideas are still bad ideas even when its dark and cold outside.

Thank you for not making an icky mess all over in your hiding place and luring bugs and other screaming-like things into your location. I much appreciate it.

You are the reason there will not be an indoor egg hunt throughout my house next year.


Monday, September 20, 2010

Dear Fire

Dear Fire,

You are powerful. I could see what looked like you burning up half of Herriman from my house. You blew lots of smoke my direction. My house smells like a campfire. My sinuses are burning and my eyes hurt. I don't know why I'm even considering running with all of the smoke you created in the air.

I see you and I see the power of God. I see that he is the creator of the universe and that we, his children, must rely on him for all we have and to safely escape the flames of life.

Your big flaming Herriman fire reminds me of a poem by William Blake:


Tyger! Tyger! burning bright
In the forests of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Could frame thy fearful symmetry?

In what distant deeps or skies
Burnt the fire of thine eyes?
On what wings dare he aspire?
What the hand dare sieze the fire?

And what shoulder, & what art.
Could twist the sinews of thy heart?
And when thy heart began to beat,
What dread hand? & what dread feet?

What the hammer? what the chain?
In what furnace was thy brain?
What the anvil? what dread grasp
Dare its deadly terrors clasp?

When the stars threw down their spears,
And watered heaven with their tears,
Did he smile his work to see?
Did he who made the Lamb make thee?

Tyger! Tyger! burning bright
In the forests of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?

I know, its a strange poem, and could be perceived as dark, but I don't see it that way.

But fire, please stop blowing smoke into my house and sinuses.


Sunday, September 19, 2010

Dear Self

Dear Self,

You felt discouraged today. You started to lose faith in yourself. You wondered why everyone around you got to have wonderful families, while you sat their yearning for yours. You saw that they had a best friend to talk to and to go home with and you felt jealous. You saw moms rocking their little children and yearned for that. The yearning was so bad it hurt. You wondered why God couldn't give you that. You've been so faithful and tried so hard, and yet it's eluded you.

You saw all the little babies and wondered if perhaps it really wasn't in the cards for you. It made you feel discouraged. You pleaded with God to give you hope. You still plead with him to give you faith and hope, not to give up.

You have prayed so hard today with him to just give you something. You question the whys sometimes. There's nothing wrong with you. You are cute, and smart, and you are living your life right. You can honestly say that your life is aligned with what the Lord wants it to be.

You know though, you'll never give up on yourself. All the while you struggled with those feelings, you prayed and asked the Lord to help you be strong, to have faith, hope, and to carry on. And you will, you did then, and you will now.

You know, you may not have the greatest desires of your heart, but you've got it pretty good. You have a great job that you love. You work with quality people who aren't crass and use appropriate language. You love your house and yard. You have so many nieces and nephews that you love and adore. You feel this little happy jump in your heart when the little ones come running to you with giant smiles as they see you. You have so much to be grateful for: food, clothes, shelter, scriptures, prophets, leaders, a car, contacts, heat, blankets, hoodies, pickles, water, a computer, a giant king bed you don't have to share, a blankie, a house that isn't burning down, wonderful parents, indoor plumbing, books, books, and more books, great parents, six of the best sisters a girl could ask for, a kind brother who drops everything to help you move big things, neighbors who look out for you, the blessings of taking the sacrament each week, shoes, jackets to wear when it's cold, enough money to buy food when you're hungry, beautiful hymns to listen to, ears that can hear, medicine when you are sick, flowers, pillows, hot water, a body that can run and exercise, a bike, a knowledge of the atonement, trees, a sense of smell, a temple so close that you can see it out your windows, furniture, carpet, a giant tub to soak in after a long cold run in the winter, internet access, hometeachers who show up every month, there are so many things, the list could go on for pages. I am grateful for so many things.

And I promise you, when that day comes and you get married to that really good guy that eludes you, and you get your own little one to rock, you won't take it for granted. You will appreciate them so much. You'll cherish your time with them. Your experiences will make you a better mother. And you'll be so grateful.

Keep the faith,


Monday, September 6, 2010

Dear Warcy Rilley

Dear Warcy Rilley,

I don't know why I ever bother to look at your stores. I suppose it's because your location is convenient. Every time I go, I am reminded as to why you suck. Thats right, YOU SUCK! And not in a good way.

Let me reminisce....on Saturday I went over to your store because I wanted to buy a bed for my guest bedroom. I looked over the selection and had just decided to ask a salesman about a certain bed when one walked up to me.

Well, I thought, he might get his commission today. Little did I know. I am not really sure why you hire old men who look at me as their potential victim. I'm not dumb, I'm not ignorant, and just because I'm a woman doesn't mean your chauvinistic salesman can try and trick me into buying a bed thats $500 over the price I told him I was willing to pay.

Instead of helping me with the bed I originally wanted, he drags me all over the store to show me better beds (ie more expensive). Finally, I ask him to just show me the what I was originally looking at and he gave me some dumb excuse as to why that wasn't the bed I needed and insisted that I didn't need to look at it. So I told him I wasn't going to buy anything from him that day and so he walked away.

Previously, I had tried to order via the Warcy Rilley website. If you have gone to it, you'll want to make note, it is about the shoddiest excuse for programming I've ever encountered. Why you ask? First of all, you show items that they don't actually have in any of your stores or that you actually carry. One would think that you would remove items you don't actually have stock for, but apparently not. I added one to my cart to go along with the item I decided to order. Then I went through everything and got to the submit payment order. So far so good. I click submit order to run my credit card. Then I get directed to a page where it tells me one of the items was out of stock and it basically wiped out my entire order and my entire cart. At this point, I have no idea whether or not my card got charged, it told me nothing. I called your customer service and the guy said that you don't check inventory until you click the button to charge your card. What??? Why not check inventory when it's added to the cart or you select a location to pick it up? That makes sense right? Not according to your sorry @%$ website. It's much easier to run someones card and put the funds on hold and then tell them sorry.

Anyways, my order ended up getting voided out. The phone guy couldn't run my order through and apparently the only option I had was to reorder on the website and run the risk of double funds on hold, or going to the store. Which reminds me, I better check my card and make sure the website really didn't take my funds.

You'd think either on of those experiences would be enough to make me not want to go to your store, but yet again, this was the first strike.

I ordered some cute barstools from you. I had to pick them up, which I did. But at the time I was dealing with some health issues so it was exhausting and by the time I got them, I felt beat. A day or two later, I open the boxes and discover that each box has 2 barstools each in it and they've given me twice as many stools as they should have. Being the honest person that I am, I called you to tell you the mistake. You'd think you'd say ok, we'll come get them right? Nope, the girl says, well you have to bring them back because it's not worth it to us to pick them up. Then she proceeds to bill my Visa for them as motivation to return them and informs me that if I want to be refunded I will bring them back.

Hindsight is brilliant. If it were today, I'd tell her to remove the charges or I will file a fraud complaint since the order shows only a certain number of stools. And I would insist you come get them since it was your mistake. You even loaded them in the truck for me! I shouldn't have to return items because you messed up. It's called customer service. Which apparently you lack.

My experiences have led me to realize: You are basically one step up from a cheap particle board furniture store. And yet, at least they have customer service. If I ever shop in your store again, it's probably because either I've got a submission issue to deal with and I like being bullied by vulturous old men or I like to buy junk. Maybe both.

Your unsatisfied ex-customer,


PS. I bought a bed somewhere else later in the day

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Dearest Spiders

Dearest Spiders,

Today while in the garage I noticed a giant one of you. A wolf spider kind. You were huge. I could see your beady little eyes and you probably had fangs the size of needles. I wanted to scream and freak out, but I didn't. I calmly got a large object and killed you with it. I didn't even scream while I did it, which I did do the time before.

I really would appreciate it if you would stay out of my house and garage. This is also to warn you that the pest control man is going to come and spray poison all over the inside and outside of my house and should you choose to remain, you will die. And I won't be sad.

Please go away,


Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Dear Red Leather Couch

Dear Red Leather Couch,

Do you have any idea how much I covet you? You would be perfect for the book room. It would be nice to sit in you and read for hours. Alas, the frugal in me stops myself from buying you.

Instead, I check on you regularly to see if you are still available and I wish I could buy you.

Am I broke you ask? No, but I am making myself budget, and you aren't exactly in the budget. I've made it so far without spending money on you, must resist.

Do you have any idea how long I've wanted a red leather couch? Becca knows. She knows one day she will come to my house and see a pretty red leather couch, but she also sees the frugal fighting the leather couch vibes.

Someday red leather couch, you will be in the book room or the tv room. I wish soon, and I know I could grant that wish, but sometimes its good to stop. Just because you can do something doesn't mean you should. I tell myself that with money and make myself stick to a budget.

Red, red, where can you be? Are you out there waiting for me? Couch, I am waiting, happily anticipating.

Someday in my dreams,


Friday, August 6, 2010

Dear Ms. Mephanie Steyers

Dear Ms. Mephanie Steyers,

I read your books Twitard, Elispits, New Goon, and Breaking Up. I must say, your literary prose inspires me. I want to be in a relationship like Deadward and Beltard. You've managed to capture the essence of human relationship. It isn't about finding onesself in life, it's all about stalking someone else, biting them, and giving up hobbies, sense of self, and identity to allow yourself to become nothing but a boring, dull person.

Reminds me of some girls I knew from when I was in the singles ward. Their whole goal in life was to get married. They didn't care about college, or a real job, or anything. They just wanted to find a husband to take care of them. They worked at dead end jobs or didn't work and hoped for that. So thats great. You inspire those girls to sit back and wait for someone to take care of them, and do nothing with their lives. They can know that it isn't important to get a real job or to learn to take care of themselves. Helplessness is the ideal.

What happened to me Mephanie? Why can't is sit around in little nighgowns pining for my stalker to come to me? Am I looking in the wrong places? Do I need to start attending goth shows to get a guy?

Maybe I should buy a motorcycle or jump off a cliff like Beltard, or run around saying stupid one liners like Deadward. No, wait! I know, I can pretend I'm a vampire. The latest craze is that teenagers are actually biting each other, some even get tooth implants of fangs!!! So inspiring. I am going to have bookshelves full of your books because I want my future teenage daughter coming home with bite marks on her body and sharpened teeth. Creepy is the new sexy. Thank you for making me realize that.

I wish I were more like Deadward and Beltard. And I wish I wrote as well as you did. Nothing like making millions on 4 books that are essential a rehash of each other and yet, sound like they came from an engineer who watches reruns of Saved by the Bell. You motivate me!

In closing, thank you Mephanie, you have given a whole new meaning to book burnings.

Your "biggest" Fan,


Saturday, July 31, 2010

Dear Wasp Spray Manufacturer

Dear Wasp Spray Manufacturer,

Your can of wasp spray says that it can spray up to 20 feet away. Your can of spray lies. Up to 20 feet might only be in a tornado or a wind storm where the wind blows it 20 feet away. I can imagine the testing you went through to test the spray. You probably used a wind tunnel and turned the wind power up till the spray blew 20 feet.

Either that or your measuring tape is off. 5 feet, 20 feet, same thing right?

Also, it better come out of clothes, off window panes, and not be harmful if ingested or accidentally sprayed in the eye.

Or the least you can do it make it safe for humans if they get it in their eyes.


PS. Can you make something with turbo power that will somehow get the wasp nest off while simulaneously killing the wasps

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Dear classified ad shoppers,

Dear Classified Ad Shoppers,

Please allow me to enlighten you on a few things:

1. If it is a large heavy object such as a weight machine, why would you suggest I deliver it to your house to try out to decide whether or not you want it?

2. If I list something for cheap, do you what makes you think I'll deliver it? I just want to get rid of it.

3. I will not hold something. Chances are you may not show up. So I might as well give it to whoever shows up with the cash first.

4. People don't write checks any more. If you don't have cash, you don't get the item.

5. Calls while I, and most normal people, are sleeping are not nice.

6. If something sells before you are able to buy it, get over it. It is rude and unacceptable to pitch a fit since the item never belonged to you.

7. If you've already paid and you change your mind, you've just given me a birthday present of cash. Thanks.

8. If the item is already super cheap, there will be no negotiations. Take it or someone else will.

9. If you call and ask dumb questions, I will give you dumb answers.

10. If you ask the same dumb questions again, you'll get the same answers.


Sunday, July 11, 2010

Dear Dan

Dear Dan,

Happy Birthday. Hope you ate lots of leftover transformers cake. I meant to give you a card, but I didn't realize till last night that you and Christine weren't going to go to my moms. By then it was late and my bed was calling my name so I slept instead of bringing you it.

I know you're probably sobbing into your pillow as we speak because I was lazy, so I apologize.

On the bright side of things, Christine probably washes the sheets and the pillow cases so at least you aren't crying into a pillow case that has a large coating of grime on it.

I don't know about you, but I've got plenty of mission stories of dirty houses. There was one house where I went to the bathroom and they had to remove trash out of the way so I could shut the bathroom door. And let me tell you, I didn't realize they make 'custom' black toilet seats. It probably takes years of no cleaning to get that way.

And thanks for working hard to take care of my sister and the kids. They are great and I'm glad they have you to count on.

Your favorite sister in law,


Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Dear Self

Dear Self,

Today we are going to focus on safety lessons.

Lesson 1: If you decide to use the weed eater and you see the safety goggles next to the weed eater, put them on. Don't look at them and decide that you don't need them. If you do, just remember the large chunk of stick you got in your eye and that it hurt.

Lesson 2: It is not a very good idea to stick corn on the cob on the grill and then to take a shower while it cooks. Luckily the propane tank ran out of propane and the grill shut itself off, but thats probably a fire hazzard. Just think if it burned your house down, all your precious books might be ruined.

Lesson 3: You shouldn't scare Marissa. The other day you climbed on the roof to wash windows. You told her that if she heard a thud, it was probably you falling off the roof and to call 911. Then when you were done on the roof, you purposely took a flying leap through an open window into the house and landed with a thud. Poor Marissa thought you fell off the roof and nearly had a panic attack.

Lesson 4: It is not a good idea to stay up half the night reading when you have to get up early the next morning. And if you've already read the book once before, you really have no excuse. You already know whats going to happen.

Lesson 5: Don't forget to pray. It's probably saved your life countless times as you are a walking clumsy girl.



Sunday, June 27, 2010

Dear Spiders

Dear Spiders,

On saturday, I rode my bike down the road. When I was going about 16 miles an hour, I felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and found a black one of your kind crawling up my arm. I screamed and frantically tried to get it off. All the while, I was cruising down the road in what might be considered slow for a car, but it's very fast when you have a bike and no cushions to keep you from hitting the ground hard.

My coworkers love it when you get on my desk at work. It is the highlight of their week when that happens because they love it when I scream and try to find something to kill you.

Anyways, why must you torment me? Get one someone else's bike. Or in someone else's shower or house.

When I was young, as opposed to now, when I'm not as young, Christine was showering and a large spider landed on her in the shower. She freaked out and ran out of the bathroom and down the hall naked in an attempt to get it off of her. She was screaming loudly.

She probably would've crashed the bike. So why don't you just go live in her shower?


PS. The other day I woke up with a bite on my chest, please stay out of my bed too

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Dear Bubble Machine/Bubble Pit

Dear Bubble Machine/Bubble Pit,

You were a wonderful invention. I love that you filled a big bouncy pit full of bubbles. I loved that people came out of the pit covered in white bubbles. I loved the bubbles.

Can you come home with me? Well obviously for the right price you probably could. I'm not sure I want to spend the $$ on the right price, but perhaps I can rent you one day.

In fact, you are now invited to my wedding reception. No, I am not engaged, but someday I will be, and if I'm the one paying for the thing, I can choose what occurs. Let me tell you right now, it will be a carnival, and hopefully dear bubble machine, you will be there.

Do you think a bride/groom dunking machine would be a bit much? And I guess that also brings up the question of, do you think my future spouse would consent to be in the dunking machine for his wedding reception?

Tiny my hair, tiny bubbles...everywhere....tiny bubbles make me feel so fine!

Maybe he would go in the bubble pit if not? It might make for some super cool wedding photos.

Dearest bubble machine, please carry on bursting out bubbles of joy,


Sunday, June 13, 2010

Dear Future Spouse

Dear Future Spouse,

I have no idea who you are, but I do have a few requests.

1. Do not bring celery into my house. It tastes disgusting and I don't want it to taint the rest of my food.

2. Please do not pee in the shower or the sink. I read some article online and it said when guys are too lazy to use the toilet they just pee in the shower or the sink. Thats nasty. I hope that isn't really true and that I shouldn't read random articles anymore.

3. If you see a tag on my new pair of shoes as I wander around church, please tell me before half the relief society notices it.

4. If I somehow ruin your (insert one of the following: shirt, pants, shoes, blender, mixer, car, lawnmower, weed eater, bike, couch, electronic item) know that it was an accident. I can't help it if I'm clumsy.

5. I like kids. If you don't, you better learn to.

6. I don't like to vacuum. And yet somehow I ruin them on a regular basis. Although the Dyson is still alive after about a year.

7. Spiders are not our friends. They must die. One somehow bit my chest the other day. I woke up with a big old bite there and wasn't thrilled to realize where the spider must've been in order to bite there.

8. Ants and wasps are also not in the good category and it is worth paying someone to rid my house of them.

9. You really must watch The Gods Must Be Crazy 2. It is one of the funniest shows ever.

10. I do not like MLM's or anything like unto it. I don't buy knives, candles, scrapbooks, jewelry, lingerie, makeup, purses, home decor, vitamins, or anything else via MLM. I can go to the store and buy it for half the price there, so why would I buy the same stuff for twice as much?



Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Dear Sugar Cookie Bars

Dear Sugar Cookie Bars,

Why must ye tempt me so? Despite my constant exercise, if I've gained 5 or 10 pounds this week, I blame you.

Yes, thats right. It will be all your fault. Why you ask? Let me elaborate...

Sunday: Bad Leslie didn't go grocery shopping on Saturday and was out of Milk, Bread, Cereal, Fruits, and Veggies. She needed to bring a dessert and just happened to have the ingredients for sugar cookies bars. Not all of them got eaten so she decided to share them with her sisters the next day and went off to bed. But she sampled one before heading off to bed. How could she not taste such yumminess?

Monday: Theres no breakfast food because one slacker grocery shopper hadn't been to the food store in a while. Lo and behold, sugar cookie bars!!!! The perfect breakfast. Leslie gonna eat some.

Tuesday: Some girl still didn't go grocery shopping and was hungry for breakfast. What did her wonderful eyes behold on the counter? Sugar cookie bars!!! Score one for the cookies, and a couple for Leslie's breakfast.

Wednesday: Still no groceries. You'd think Leslie's would starve, but luckily she has sugar cookie bars. What a healthy way to start the day. And what a way to end a swim...sugar cookies for snack/dinner/dessert.

Cookie bars, it is a good thing you taste yummy. And I think it's a good thing I ran, biked, and swam this week cuz you make one tasty breakfast.



PS. Yes, I am kinda sick of you. I might have nightmares about cookie monsters tonight

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Dear Lady Who Lets Her Dog Crap On My Lawn

Dear Lady Who Lets Her Dog Crap On My Lawn,

I know we are taught to be nice and kind to all, but I've about had it with you taking your dog on walks around the neighborhood and then about the time it gets to my house or the neighbors house, letting it crap all over my lawn or theirs. I am also tired of the cigarette butts that are being thrown on my lawn. I must pick up a good dozen or two of those when I mow the lawn.

I don't let my imaginary dog crap on your lawn, so stop letting your real dog crap on mine. Also, the driveway is an even ruder place to let your dog take a dump.

Apparently they make poo bags too. If you insist on letting your dog crap all over everyones yard, at least have the decency to pick up the crap and put it in one of those bags.

If I am home and I see you letting your dog crap in my yard or the neighbors, you can bet I will be coming up to you to let you know that you need to scoop it up and take it home with you.

And I don't care if you haven't brought a poo bag, use your hand. If you are rude enough to let your dogs defecate in everyone else's yard but your own, you filled with crap even if it isn't literally.

I can understand once, but when you constantly let your dog poop in my yard and the yards corresponding to mine, it is no longer a one time deal and you need to deal with it. And while you're at it, do you realize how harmful smoke is. You can get lung cancer.

Your Annoyed Neighbor,


Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Dear Little Old Lady

Dear Little Old Lady,

I see you work in your garden from my office window. Your house is the only one left in an area filled with commercial buildings. It must get lonely sometimes not to have neighbors any more. You remind me of my grandma. She died a long time ago, but I will never forget her. She had a garden too. When I work in mine, I feel close to her.

You probably don't know it, but all the nerdy programmers I work with notice your house too. It's funny, but even though they've never met you, they all care about you. They care about you from a distance as they watch out for you from the windows high above your house. If they don't notice anyone coming or going, or shoveled walks, they will express concern.

When they see you, they see their grandmother. They see the woman who made them cookies, played with them, and told them stories. They see a woman with so much love and caring in her heart. They see you.

You might feel alone sometimes. But, up above, we are all looking down on you. Thinking of you. Remembering what it was like when our grandmother cared for us. Thinking about the memories she gave us.

You are never alone. When you feel tired, just look up. We are there.



Monday, May 31, 2010

Dear Dyson

Dear Dyson,

I am beginning to wonder if you are Leslie Proof. You've made it about a year and so far, you still work. I think you are the longest working vacuum that I've possessed.

I will not name the brands that I've broken, but there are many, not a few.

Please continue to work.


Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Dear New Bike

Dear New Bike,

I like you. Can you please give me buns of steel and sexy toned legs? And while you're at it, a little bit of superpower would be nice too.

And no, I will not be letting people feel my buns of steel. Its enough to know that I have them.



Monday, May 24, 2010

Dear Dad

Dear Dad,

I know sometimes work and life gets frustrating, we all have those days. Maybe you even feel like a failure when things don't go as expected, but you aren't. Sometimes the things we think are trials are actually blessings in disguise. It just takes time to see them in that perspective.

I remember as a little kid seeing certain people who did well financially, and later seeing many of them let money and things ruin their life. There is a family in my ward, when I moved in they were married, but they suddenly came into a lot of money and the money destroyed their marriage and now they are divorced. Kinda sad that one seemingly insignificant thing like money would ruin a family, yet for them, it was the destroyer.

I remember most of my roommates in college who had mommy and daddy footing their bills and tuition. They failed half their classes and didn't care if they did their homework. One of them even pretended she was going to school, but she wasn't. She just took their money and did whatever she wanted with it instead. It has made me determined to make my children work their way through school. I want them to appreciate it, not take advantage of it.

You taught me to work hard and to appreciate things. If you hadn't done so, maybe I would've been like those roommates who probably never graduated from college and took advantage of my family.

You taught me to install my own sprinklers. I'm sure glad you did. It has saved me a lot of money over the years. Every time my neighbors break a sprinkler, they have to call a landscaping company and pay them a bunch of money to fix it. Seems like such a shame that they don't know how to do something basic like swap out a sprinkler head. They could save so much money by learning how.

You taught me to be frugal and to work hard. Thanks to that, I have tried to work hard at my job and do my best. It also means I save money and don't blow it on stupid things. Well, maybe some things you might think are dumb, but for me, the are good things. It's all a matter of perspective.

You've always grown such nice plants and food in the garden. How lucky we've been growing to always have so many fresh fruits and vegetables to eat. They are so expensive and not always very tasty coming from the grocery store. And it's made me appreciate being able to grow things in my yard.

I know sometimes success can seem very visible for some people who have nice houses and fancy cars, but that isn't really success. You're one of the lucky ones, you have real success.

You've got 8 kids, and 25 grandchildren. I think that is true success. I am envious of that kind of success. I'd trade my job and my house for that any day.

The other day my VT partner looked at me and said, "You and I are those ladies who will never get married and have kids, so for us, we just have to be content to be the super aunt." I told her, "I am not going to just be a super aunt, I'll be a super mom someday too." But it made me realize that people with kids are so blessed. There are many who will never experience that in this life, and you've gotten to several times. That's pretty blessed in my book.

I really believe the true measure of success isn't how much money you did or didn't make, or whether or not you could buy something super big, but it is how you lived your life, and the good things you accomplished. It's the people you've helped and those around you that you've diligently served.

In a few years, maybe you'll look back and realize how blessed you were, even if you don't feel that way now. For during this time of your life, you've got time you can spend with your family. Maybe you will be able to go to the temple more or have more time to do other things that you've not had the time to do.

You've got an orchard full of trees that have fed many people, and a garden that has started growing food that blesses the lives of so many people. You've got a nice big yard where the kids and grandkids can run and play. And cows to eat and fill the freezer full of meat.

It doesn't matter to me that you don't drive a fancy car, or that you taught us to work hard. In fact, I am glad you did so. Had you not, I might've been so focused on things like flashy clothes or items in my house that I'd not realize the truly important things in life.

My point is, I think you are highly successful and so incredibly blessed. I'm slightly jealous of what you have. Maybe it's not my lot in life to have what you have, or to experience what you do, but in my perspective, you are so loved by our Father in Heaven. He must have some incredible things planned for you in order for you to need the experiences you are going through.

Don't give up, or feel discouraged. Life doesn't have coincidences, it has purpose. We may not understand the whys or hows the moment things happen, but somewhere down the road, you will see how all the pieces fit together in the puzzle and you will rejoice in the things you've experience whether or not you thought they were a trial.

I love you and admire you. I hope that someday I can be even half as successful, kind, and giving as you are.



Friday, May 21, 2010

Dear Canyon Bicycles

Dear Canyon Bicycles,

Thank you ever so much for getting the devil pedals off my old bike and onto the new. I can only imagine the damage I would've done had I attempted to get them off all on my own. Best of all, you did it for free. Thank you!!!

And can I say, my mom and I love your store way better than the other store we shall not name. You have great customer service and you custom ordered new thorn resistant tires for her bike. We appreciate that. The other store told us there was nothing they could do. I'm glad they were wrong. We were getting tired of her tires going flat all the time.

And I should thank you for taking a large chunk of my money too. Lets admit it, the nicer you are, the more we probably spend. Now could you send a really hot man biker who is single with a real job my way? And while I am sending requests, can you please make sure he has 2 eyes, a short term memory, no strange tatoos, ears that are not pierced, and maybe he could own a wii? I know the wii is stretching it a bit, but since I was making the list, I thought I'd throw that in.

Also, I should thank you Canyon. I think you've blown my June book budget. New bike = no new books. If I buy any books in June, please dear family, beat me. But not with anything hard that will hurt or break me. Maybe a water noodle made of foam.

Your new loyal customer,


Thursday, May 20, 2010

Dear Pedals,

Why can't I get you off my old bike and onto the new? Do you realize all I've been through as far as pedals go?

First I had the ones my feet kept slipping off of, so I bought new clip on ones. Then I crashed time and time again on those ones. Then I finally broke one a little bit so it was easier to get my foot out, and that worked great for a while. I still crashed, but I crashed less. Then I completely broke the pedal in the middle of a ride and had to ride home with only one pedal working. A couple miles with one pedal isn't fun and I got a bad bruise on my leg where the pedal broke on it. Then I got new pedals and they were great!

Then I I you pretty new bike, and I tried to abandon you less pretty old bike, and I can't till I get my pedals off! Come off pedals.

Everyone cross your fingers that a cute single guy will be at the bike store that is my dream man when I take 2 bikes to the bike store because I want my $65 pedals. If they were $5 pedals I'd just buy new ones, but $65 is enough money that I want my pedals and I want them now!

I hope I don't crash the new bike as much as the old one. It was expensive and it looks pretty and nice.

Now get off my old bike and onto the new pedals.


Monday, May 10, 2010

Dear Fresh Salsa,

Dear Fresh Salsa,

Why do you taste so good? The yummy flavor you ooze makes me want to eat you for breakfast lunch and dinner. And you know the one thing that would make you better? If you were made out of fresh garden tomatoes instead of those store bought ones.

Currently there are several nice garden tomato plants sitting in my garage, waiting for the weather to finally warm up enough that they won't die. They will make me super tasty salsa, tomato sandwiches, and enhance my salad or omlet.

It's kinda sad that canning is turning into a lost art because there are so many things that taste better when you grow them and don't go through the strange ripening and storage procedures the stores use. I actually ate some store bought applesauce the other day and practically threw up. I did gag.

There's no comparison between flavorful good homemade applesauce and the stuff you buy at the store.

And my sister Jenny's dill pickles are to die for. I think I would die happy with a jar full of her pickles in my tummy. This year I will be visiting so I can learn the art of making pickles. I might need to make like 100 jars because they are so good I will need to install an electric fence around them in my house to keep all my family members from eating them all when I'm not home.

Anyways, fresh salsa, you are so tasty and good. You are reason enough to grow a salsa garden in the yard. And a little lemon tree to get lemons from for the salsa.

Your devoted eater,


Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Dear Cheesecake

Dear Cheesecake,

Do you have any idea what you do to me? I shiver just thinking of loading you into my mouth. I love the way you taste. I love your rich goodness.

I don't know why I didn't discover you until I was like 18 years old. I seemed to have missed out on 18 years of amazing yumminess.

I dream of swimming in cheesecake. Living in a cheesecake house with blankets of cheesecake covering me. How can I ever live out this dream? No I will not be climbing in a giant mixer of cheesecake. My brother in law's death by giant mixer story has cured me of all desire to climb into a giant factory mixer.

Once on my mission a lady made us all instant cheesecakes. One per missionary. We decided to see if we could eat the entire cheesecake in one sitting. In fact, we decided to have a contest to see who could eat their cheesecake the fastest.

I've never eaten another instant cheesecake in my life. I am so glad they taste different then a genuine cheesecake.

Dreaming of you tonight.


Saturday, May 1, 2010

Dear Lawn

Dear Lawn,

You have been through much and yet I've managed to keep you alive by some miracle. And this year I fertilized you early so you would grown nice and green and reward me by looking pretty. Do you know what you did to return the favor? I looked at you this morning and discovered that you are covered in dandelions.

You traitor! How could you go and do this to me? And all in a matter of like 3 days. I tried to make sure you looked good last weekend and now you repay me by filling with weeds. Shame on you. I mow you, I call you names when I weedeat you, I even planted the sod that made you grow.

I feel betrayed by you. It's like losing a date to an ex-roommate who would hone in on every guy that was remotely interested in me. Trust me, it doesn't really bode well for the friendship when your friend/roomie thinks its ok to hit on any guy who wants to date you. It makes for annoying and irritable relationships.

Or maybe it's like me giving the vegan lady at church goldfish crackers and her realizing that I just ruined her vegan diet. She ate them, so it wasn't really my fault. But I am sure glad i'm not vegan. I love me some good steaks, and roasts, and bacon, and sausage, and smokies, and kabobs, and chicken, and while we're on meat, an nicely build eye candy man is fun to check out on occasion if he's running down the road or something like that.

Anyways, back to you lawn. Get a life! Grow and beat out those dandelions. I fertilized you for a reason.

Your owner,


Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Dear Fireplace

Dear Fireplace,

You are the bright shiny pillar in my house. You are full of warmth and you have big pretty flames. If only you were wood burning I would throw things in you and make a really big fire. Perhaps God was inspired when he led me to this house and it only had a gas fireplace.

Did you know that if you chop up an entire Christmas tree and throw it in a fireplace all at once it makes really really big flames and they even come out of the fireplace and make you wonder if you are going to burn the house down despite using the fireplace? Now you do. Apparently it is not the best idea to burn a Christmas tree in the house. And it will burn the carpet in the vicinity of the fireplace.

My friend Mark has great bonfires too. I helped load wood on the fires at his house. I once threw on like 2 or 3 pallets at once. Amelia called us both pyros. We did get the flames like 20 feet high. But there was one dumb guy who decided to jump through the flames and singed off his eyebrows.

Anyways fireplace. Thanks for being here for me today. I am laying by you as we speak.

Your Admirer,


Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Dear Donut Store

Dear Donut Store,

You are probably the reason I'm not losing tons of weight despite working out all the time. I run by you and smell all the yummy donut smells and instead of wanting to keep running down the street, I want to run inside you and eat donuts.

In fact, a while back after Christine and I ran by you, we came back and bought a dozen donuts. We wanted to eat them all and not share, but there were four little kids who looked so hopefully at the box of donuts we couldn't keep them all to ourselves. Then we also shared with Dan.

Maple bars, my weakness.
Cake donut with maple frosting, my weakness.
Cake donut with sprinkles, my weakness.
Apple fritter, my weakness.
Custard filled thing with chocolate frosting, yup, my weakness.
Old fashioned glaze, Christine's weakness.
Chocolate cake with chocolate frosting, not really mine, but I'll say Christine's weakness.
Yummy sugar cookies, both our weakness.

Donut Store, sweet donut store. How skinny I would be without you. On the bright side of things, I have a bigger chest than my sister Christine, and besides genetics, I have you to thank. Granted it isn't all that big, but without your donuts, I would need more padding than the padded bra I currently wear.

Thank you for the tasty donuts, the enticing aroma to run by, and the supersize chest I've got.

Your fan,


Monday, April 26, 2010

Dear Rachel

Dear Rachel,

This morning I wanted you to know something: The tooth fairy is not real. Neither is Santa, Mrs Claus, the Easter Bunny, or a leprachaun.

But on the bright side of things, it is fun to pretend they are real. It's meant as fun.

Did you ever see that toothfairy movie? I didn't, but if the Rock or Vin Diesel were my toothfairy, I'd be tempted to pull out a tooth every night just so the toothfairy would come back night after night. I might have good dreams if I watched Vin Diesel movies night after night....Wait a minute, I don't want to be toothless. I'll have to swipe someone else's teeth night after night. Then my pretty teeth will look all shiny for when the happy dreams tooth fairy shows up.

So the good news is that they aren't real, but the even better news is that it doesn't matter. Real or not, they can be whatever you want to imagine them to be. And let me tell you, at the moment, my toothfairy, and my Easter bunny are hot buff guys. But lets be honest, I really don't care if I date and marry a guy that looks like my dreamy toothfairy. I'd rather have real and there are so many better things.

Be happy. Be unbelieving of the toothfairy. There is no harm in pretend.



Sunday, April 25, 2010

Dear Lady From Church

Dear Lady From Church,

You are such an amazing lady. Today I learned that you have such a great attitude despite the trials life has dealt you. You lost a baby, and at some point in the future, you will also lose your teenage daughter.

You have fought alongside your daughter for her entire life. She has been on numerous medications and now she has reached a point where you've done all you can do. Instead of sheltering her, you are doing as many fun things as you can while she is still around and able to enjoy them.

I know you will mourn her loss, and yet, you also know that she is going to a good place. You could've chosen to have a bad attitude, but you have not.

Thank you for always being smiley and happy even though you've known that you would outlive your child. Thank you for teaching your child to be happy and kind despite having so much to deal with.

I cannot fathom the difficulties you face, but I admire you. Please carry on and put on a good face. Show the world that life cannot beat you down and that you will climb to the top of the hill and conquer your foes. And if you ever need help, I will be there to push or pull you to the top of the hill.

Your Friend,


Saturday, April 24, 2010

Dear Nemesis, er I mean Bike,

Dear Nemesis, er I mean Bike,

Why is it that when I am on you I lose all sense of balance? Why can't you work for me the same way you can for my mom, who is apparently the bike whisperer?

I ride you, and fill your tires with air, and in return, I get a sore butt, I tip over when I don't unclip my feet from the pedals in time, and my mom still kicks my butt beyond what you can possibly understand.

Do you like being called Nemesis? I got it from that Star Trek movie title. I forget what the movie is about because I'm not really a Star Trek kind of girl, but that last movie had some hot guys in it so I watched it. And now I'm suddenly reminded of how when I was in high school there were people who were so into it that they had Star Trek shirts they wore to school.

I really don't get the interest in it, I only know and remember like 2 or 3 names from the whole movie: Spock, Captain Kirk, and Scotty. But then again, it's ok. I can't be expected to remember when I never even watched the TV series.

But back to you bike. You are not a Star Trek item. That means that you should not consider yourself flyable while I am on you. Nor should you run over things like a sticker bush because I am totally incompetent and I have to take you to the bike shop to get your tire change.

Please be a better, nicer bike in the future. Make yourself something with turbo speed so I can keep up with my mom. Don't tip over and send me flying, and please avoid those thorns. I am merely a woman, you must be the bike I know you can be.


Your riding partner Les

Friday, April 23, 2010

Dear Car Who Cut Me Off

Dear Car Who Cut Me Off,

I'd like you to know I would've let you in had you used your blinker to let me know that you wanted in to my lane. Instead you swerved into my lane and I had to slam on my brakes in an attempt to prevent an accident.

So just for future reference, there is this little stick thing by the steering wheel. In my car, all you do is push it up or down. Since you pushed into the right lane, that means down. Then the blinker turns on and other drivers know you want in their lane.

I know its hard to pass the drivers test and learn all the rules. I don't know how it is now, but when I was in high school we had to get 80% on the test. I got exactly an 80% and that was probably a miracle. Then I crashed like 2 months later.

It didn't involve using the blinker. Now I know not to tailgate. There were a bunch of church boys walking along the sidewalk where I crashed. Maybe they distracted me. Men are distracting.

Did you know there was this little old short fat man that used to hit on me at my old work? He didn't speak English very well and I knew to cringe when I heard his voice calling out to me "YLEESLIE!" It made me want to scream from torture. It made it difficult to focus because I wanted to run far far away. Note to men: It you are like 30 years older than me, I really don't want to date you. Second note to men: If you are wider than you are tall, I really don't want to date you. Third note to men: If you are 2 feet shorter than me it's so not sexy.

I hope you use the little black signal thing next time so you don't crash in like 2 months.

Be Safe.

Your courteous driver friend,