Sunday, June 27, 2010

Dear Spiders

Dear Spiders,

On saturday, I rode my bike down the road. When I was going about 16 miles an hour, I felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and found a black one of your kind crawling up my arm. I screamed and frantically tried to get it off. All the while, I was cruising down the road in what might be considered slow for a car, but it's very fast when you have a bike and no cushions to keep you from hitting the ground hard.

My coworkers love it when you get on my desk at work. It is the highlight of their week when that happens because they love it when I scream and try to find something to kill you.

Anyways, why must you torment me? Get one someone else's bike. Or in someone else's shower or house.

When I was young, as opposed to now, when I'm not as young, Christine was showering and a large spider landed on her in the shower. She freaked out and ran out of the bathroom and down the hall naked in an attempt to get it off of her. She was screaming loudly.

She probably would've crashed the bike. So why don't you just go live in her shower?


PS. The other day I woke up with a bite on my chest, please stay out of my bed too

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Dear Bubble Machine/Bubble Pit

Dear Bubble Machine/Bubble Pit,

You were a wonderful invention. I love that you filled a big bouncy pit full of bubbles. I loved that people came out of the pit covered in white bubbles. I loved the bubbles.

Can you come home with me? Well obviously for the right price you probably could. I'm not sure I want to spend the $$ on the right price, but perhaps I can rent you one day.

In fact, you are now invited to my wedding reception. No, I am not engaged, but someday I will be, and if I'm the one paying for the thing, I can choose what occurs. Let me tell you right now, it will be a carnival, and hopefully dear bubble machine, you will be there.

Do you think a bride/groom dunking machine would be a bit much? And I guess that also brings up the question of, do you think my future spouse would consent to be in the dunking machine for his wedding reception?

Tiny my hair, tiny bubbles...everywhere....tiny bubbles make me feel so fine!

Maybe he would go in the bubble pit if not? It might make for some super cool wedding photos.

Dearest bubble machine, please carry on bursting out bubbles of joy,


Sunday, June 13, 2010

Dear Future Spouse

Dear Future Spouse,

I have no idea who you are, but I do have a few requests.

1. Do not bring celery into my house. It tastes disgusting and I don't want it to taint the rest of my food.

2. Please do not pee in the shower or the sink. I read some article online and it said when guys are too lazy to use the toilet they just pee in the shower or the sink. Thats nasty. I hope that isn't really true and that I shouldn't read random articles anymore.

3. If you see a tag on my new pair of shoes as I wander around church, please tell me before half the relief society notices it.

4. If I somehow ruin your (insert one of the following: shirt, pants, shoes, blender, mixer, car, lawnmower, weed eater, bike, couch, electronic item) know that it was an accident. I can't help it if I'm clumsy.

5. I like kids. If you don't, you better learn to.

6. I don't like to vacuum. And yet somehow I ruin them on a regular basis. Although the Dyson is still alive after about a year.

7. Spiders are not our friends. They must die. One somehow bit my chest the other day. I woke up with a big old bite there and wasn't thrilled to realize where the spider must've been in order to bite there.

8. Ants and wasps are also not in the good category and it is worth paying someone to rid my house of them.

9. You really must watch The Gods Must Be Crazy 2. It is one of the funniest shows ever.

10. I do not like MLM's or anything like unto it. I don't buy knives, candles, scrapbooks, jewelry, lingerie, makeup, purses, home decor, vitamins, or anything else via MLM. I can go to the store and buy it for half the price there, so why would I buy the same stuff for twice as much?



Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Dear Sugar Cookie Bars

Dear Sugar Cookie Bars,

Why must ye tempt me so? Despite my constant exercise, if I've gained 5 or 10 pounds this week, I blame you.

Yes, thats right. It will be all your fault. Why you ask? Let me elaborate...

Sunday: Bad Leslie didn't go grocery shopping on Saturday and was out of Milk, Bread, Cereal, Fruits, and Veggies. She needed to bring a dessert and just happened to have the ingredients for sugar cookies bars. Not all of them got eaten so she decided to share them with her sisters the next day and went off to bed. But she sampled one before heading off to bed. How could she not taste such yumminess?

Monday: Theres no breakfast food because one slacker grocery shopper hadn't been to the food store in a while. Lo and behold, sugar cookie bars!!!! The perfect breakfast. Leslie gonna eat some.

Tuesday: Some girl still didn't go grocery shopping and was hungry for breakfast. What did her wonderful eyes behold on the counter? Sugar cookie bars!!! Score one for the cookies, and a couple for Leslie's breakfast.

Wednesday: Still no groceries. You'd think Leslie's would starve, but luckily she has sugar cookie bars. What a healthy way to start the day. And what a way to end a swim...sugar cookies for snack/dinner/dessert.

Cookie bars, it is a good thing you taste yummy. And I think it's a good thing I ran, biked, and swam this week cuz you make one tasty breakfast.



PS. Yes, I am kinda sick of you. I might have nightmares about cookie monsters tonight

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Dear Lady Who Lets Her Dog Crap On My Lawn

Dear Lady Who Lets Her Dog Crap On My Lawn,

I know we are taught to be nice and kind to all, but I've about had it with you taking your dog on walks around the neighborhood and then about the time it gets to my house or the neighbors house, letting it crap all over my lawn or theirs. I am also tired of the cigarette butts that are being thrown on my lawn. I must pick up a good dozen or two of those when I mow the lawn.

I don't let my imaginary dog crap on your lawn, so stop letting your real dog crap on mine. Also, the driveway is an even ruder place to let your dog take a dump.

Apparently they make poo bags too. If you insist on letting your dog crap all over everyones yard, at least have the decency to pick up the crap and put it in one of those bags.

If I am home and I see you letting your dog crap in my yard or the neighbors, you can bet I will be coming up to you to let you know that you need to scoop it up and take it home with you.

And I don't care if you haven't brought a poo bag, use your hand. If you are rude enough to let your dogs defecate in everyone else's yard but your own, you filled with crap even if it isn't literally.

I can understand once, but when you constantly let your dog poop in my yard and the yards corresponding to mine, it is no longer a one time deal and you need to deal with it. And while you're at it, do you realize how harmful smoke is. You can get lung cancer.

Your Annoyed Neighbor,


Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Dear Little Old Lady

Dear Little Old Lady,

I see you work in your garden from my office window. Your house is the only one left in an area filled with commercial buildings. It must get lonely sometimes not to have neighbors any more. You remind me of my grandma. She died a long time ago, but I will never forget her. She had a garden too. When I work in mine, I feel close to her.

You probably don't know it, but all the nerdy programmers I work with notice your house too. It's funny, but even though they've never met you, they all care about you. They care about you from a distance as they watch out for you from the windows high above your house. If they don't notice anyone coming or going, or shoveled walks, they will express concern.

When they see you, they see their grandmother. They see the woman who made them cookies, played with them, and told them stories. They see a woman with so much love and caring in her heart. They see you.

You might feel alone sometimes. But, up above, we are all looking down on you. Thinking of you. Remembering what it was like when our grandmother cared for us. Thinking about the memories she gave us.

You are never alone. When you feel tired, just look up. We are there.