Saturday, July 31, 2010

Dear Wasp Spray Manufacturer

Dear Wasp Spray Manufacturer,

Your can of wasp spray says that it can spray up to 20 feet away. Your can of spray lies. Up to 20 feet might only be in a tornado or a wind storm where the wind blows it 20 feet away. I can imagine the testing you went through to test the spray. You probably used a wind tunnel and turned the wind power up till the spray blew 20 feet.

Either that or your measuring tape is off. 5 feet, 20 feet, same thing right?

Also, it better come out of clothes, off window panes, and not be harmful if ingested or accidentally sprayed in the eye.

Or the least you can do it make it safe for humans if they get it in their eyes.


PS. Can you make something with turbo power that will somehow get the wasp nest off while simulaneously killing the wasps

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Dear classified ad shoppers,

Dear Classified Ad Shoppers,

Please allow me to enlighten you on a few things:

1. If it is a large heavy object such as a weight machine, why would you suggest I deliver it to your house to try out to decide whether or not you want it?

2. If I list something for cheap, do you what makes you think I'll deliver it? I just want to get rid of it.

3. I will not hold something. Chances are you may not show up. So I might as well give it to whoever shows up with the cash first.

4. People don't write checks any more. If you don't have cash, you don't get the item.

5. Calls while I, and most normal people, are sleeping are not nice.

6. If something sells before you are able to buy it, get over it. It is rude and unacceptable to pitch a fit since the item never belonged to you.

7. If you've already paid and you change your mind, you've just given me a birthday present of cash. Thanks.

8. If the item is already super cheap, there will be no negotiations. Take it or someone else will.

9. If you call and ask dumb questions, I will give you dumb answers.

10. If you ask the same dumb questions again, you'll get the same answers.


Sunday, July 11, 2010

Dear Dan

Dear Dan,

Happy Birthday. Hope you ate lots of leftover transformers cake. I meant to give you a card, but I didn't realize till last night that you and Christine weren't going to go to my moms. By then it was late and my bed was calling my name so I slept instead of bringing you it.

I know you're probably sobbing into your pillow as we speak because I was lazy, so I apologize.

On the bright side of things, Christine probably washes the sheets and the pillow cases so at least you aren't crying into a pillow case that has a large coating of grime on it.

I don't know about you, but I've got plenty of mission stories of dirty houses. There was one house where I went to the bathroom and they had to remove trash out of the way so I could shut the bathroom door. And let me tell you, I didn't realize they make 'custom' black toilet seats. It probably takes years of no cleaning to get that way.

And thanks for working hard to take care of my sister and the kids. They are great and I'm glad they have you to count on.

Your favorite sister in law,


Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Dear Self

Dear Self,

Today we are going to focus on safety lessons.

Lesson 1: If you decide to use the weed eater and you see the safety goggles next to the weed eater, put them on. Don't look at them and decide that you don't need them. If you do, just remember the large chunk of stick you got in your eye and that it hurt.

Lesson 2: It is not a very good idea to stick corn on the cob on the grill and then to take a shower while it cooks. Luckily the propane tank ran out of propane and the grill shut itself off, but thats probably a fire hazzard. Just think if it burned your house down, all your precious books might be ruined.

Lesson 3: You shouldn't scare Marissa. The other day you climbed on the roof to wash windows. You told her that if she heard a thud, it was probably you falling off the roof and to call 911. Then when you were done on the roof, you purposely took a flying leap through an open window into the house and landed with a thud. Poor Marissa thought you fell off the roof and nearly had a panic attack.

Lesson 4: It is not a good idea to stay up half the night reading when you have to get up early the next morning. And if you've already read the book once before, you really have no excuse. You already know whats going to happen.

Lesson 5: Don't forget to pray. It's probably saved your life countless times as you are a walking clumsy girl.