Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Dear Diet Coke,

Dear Diet Coke,

I must thank you for making my headache go away. In fact, your special caffeine mixture left me feeling a bit wired and I pondered working on the basement more. But I didn't. Apparently, it also gave me a twinge of laziness. Or perhaps the headache did that.

But while I waited for you to kick in, I did watch a movie. And I must say, while the guy in the movie was incredibly hot, I didn't really like the plot. They stretched a story that could've been like a 20 minute movie into about 2 hours. I suppose it would've been 2 hours for me had I not gotten tired of all the sappy junk and fast forwarded through pretty much all of it. So maybe thats why I wasn't all that sad when the relationship crashed and burned. Well, that and really, a relationship probably should be more than what was probably 30 or 40 minutes of make out scenes that I fast forwarded through.

I must say, the dvd remote can work just like a dvr or tivo when I want it to. And I'm not really sad I skipped the corny parts. I don't think I missed much.

And dearest Diet Coke, headache reliever, did you know that a couple of ladies and I are thinking about drinking you to get us through relief society? Yep. You will make certain lessons more bearable. And I'm sure my attitude will be so much more pleasing when I burp coke breath rather than sit there quietly.


Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Dear Blankie,

Dear Blankie,

You've seen me through the years. The worst times and the best times. I've held onto you tightly as I've cried myself to sleep. I've wrapped you around me when I've been cold. You've covered me with warmth as I reflected on my pleasant days. You sit covering my legs and warming me as I type. I can reach out in the dark night and feel you.

Some might call you a superficial comfort. Some might call it childish. But they are wrong. Blankie, you symbolize so much.

You are my mother wrapping her arms around me when I'm sad. You are my sisters who wait at the finish line for me to finish a race. You are my father who hugs me in joy. You represent love. The love of one who made you anticipating the arrival of a tiny baby. The love of a mother cradling her child wrapped up warmly. The love of so many.

Blankie, you are well worn and tattered from the years of use, but you are loved and cherished. Not because you are an object, but because you symbolize the love and caring around me.

Thank you blankie for keeping my body and my heart warm.


Saturday, January 8, 2011

Dear Glenn,

Dear Glenn,

Today I decided to start picking random people, or not so random people and tell them why I admire them. It's your lucky day Glenn, I picked you! I know you're probably secretly groaning now and wondering what I can possibly put in a blog besides the photo above, worry no more. Read and see.

I admire you because you work hard. I remember when you had that job last year that you really didn't enjoy, and it had kind of crappy hours and you had to work a ton of weekends, and you did it. You knew you needed to support your family until Bridget finished school so even when it sucked, you stuck it out. Thats a tough thing to do. Lots of people would've said, screw it and just walked out. But not you, you stayed on course.

I think you are a great dad to your kids. You always make sure they are taken care of and you do your best to make them happy. They are really blessed to have such a good dad.

And you are always patient and good with Bridget. Whenever she's upset, you seem to know just what to do. And you really love her. I never have to worry that you'll treat her bad. I just know you'll watch out for her.

I remember when you and Bridget got married and you got all these piles of presents because people so loved you. And you were both so nice and gave me 2 cookie sheets cuz you had lots of them. It was so nice of you. I didn't really have anything but dollar store ones till you gave me those ones. And you didn't have to share, but you knew I wanted them so you let me have them.

You know, I ought to remind you that I'm your favorite sister-in-law and that I really do like fresh baked cookies and whatever else is tasty and doesn't contain celery. If you ever need to sacrifice some, feel free to bring them my way.

Anyways, thank you for being a good dad, and for loving my sister. I don't have to worry about her or the kids because I know you will always be there for them.

Your favorite sister-in-law,


Dear S3@rs,

Dear S3@rs,

You may possibly have the worst customer service I've ever experienced. I ordered a dress a few weeks before Christmas as a new Christmas present for myself. My credit card was charged and I assumed the order was on it's way. A few days before Christmas, I still had no dress so I went and bought one somewhere else. A few days after Christmas with no sign of the dress, I called to inquire about it. Some guy told me to be patient and said the order was fine.

A few days later, still no dress. I called again and the customer service girl told me there was definitely something wrong with the order and that it hadn't shipped, but that she had to fill out all sorts of paperwork and open an "investigation" before they could refund my money.

This week, I called them again inquiring as to my order and refund. A different customer service woman says something like, yeah, your order never shipped. I don't know why. I see that they did fill out the investigation forms to get a refund. Then I ask for my refund and she tells me they have to do another investigation in order to refund my money.

Finally today, I get an email telling me that they've refunded me for my order, MINUS the shipping. What? They never shipped my order and they are keeping my $7 in shipping. That is totally not ok with me.

I called them up and got this wacked out customer service guy. I argue with him out how it is fraud to keep a customers shipping costs when they never actually sent me anything. Then he gives me this line about how as a service to me, they'll give me a gift card in the amount of $7 to use on my next order with them. Seriously? They actually think I'm going to place an order with them again? And I want my $7 back. I don't think it's ok to keep it when they never actually sent me anything.

I told him that a gift card was absolutely unacceptable and I wanted that money back on my card now. He gives me this load of crap about how he has to open an "investigation" to determine if I can have my extra $7 back. So then I told him that it was unacceptable to keep it when they didn't ship anything and it needed to be refunded now. Meanwhile, the guy is like heavy breathing on the phone sounding winded or like he's huffing something while he types and hard to follow or understand. Finally after arguing with him for a while longer he says, ok, I will refund your $7 and it should be on your card in the next few days.

You can bet that if it isn't, you'll get one final phone call before I go fill out a dispute form at my credit union, and a complaint with the Utah Consumer Protection Agency.

Had this been my first awful order with you, I might've considered a gift card in addition to a refund, however, having experienced what I would call a second awful customer service experience with you and your website, I don't think I ever want to do business with you again.

The first experience, I placed an order online and selected in-store pickup. This required a phone number for some crazy reason. Then after charging me, I got an email informing me that the items were not in stock and that my money would be refunded. I was fine with that, EXCEPT that I got a 5am wake up call the next morning informing me that my items were ready for pickup and I needed to pick them up. And then I got the same phone call a little later.

You know, I am one who likes my sleep. If someone is calling me at 5am, they better have a very good reason. A pickup on a canceled order is not a good reason. I called customer service and let them know I didn't appreciate it but I understood there were system glitches and to please not let it happen again.

I know there is a three strikes you're out thing, but in this case. I think two is sufficient to determine that your website and your employees are incompetent, unprofessional, and obviously trained to squeeze every bit of money out of a customer and not give it back, even when the customer is completely in the right.

I can definitely see why your stores and your stock is hurting. Why would anyone shop at your stores given the experiences like the two I've had? Unless your products are on sale, they're overpriced. And your customer service is more like armed robbery. In addition, your website is clunky and now that you've opened it up for other people to sell products on your site, one search brings back thousands of items and it's difficult to sort through which ones come from you. Although with your "investigation" requirements in order to get a refund, I'm not sure it matters since apparently skimming shipping off the top of non-shipped orders seems to be your forte.

Good luck in your future endeavors. I imagine we will see you bankrupt in a few years on the news.

Your former customer,


Thursday, January 6, 2011

Dear Ex-Boyfriend,

Dear Ex-Boyfriend,

I'll call you John so you can think of this as a Dear John letter, but instead of me dumping you, I'll just tell you how much better life has been without you.

John, I was thinking about it today, remember when you maxed out my credit card and I agreed to take a signature loan of a few thousand dollars on your behalf so you could get out of some debts hanging over your head? You agreed to pay the payments and pay me back and never did. It took me a few years of dilligently paying and going without other things to pay it off on my own.

Well, I believe that was the best several thousand dollars I ever spent. I think I paid you to go away!!!! What a relief. My life sucked with you. It's way better without you. It may have cost me a pound of flesh and a long time to pay off, but if it means not seeing you, not marrying you, and basically, not having to ever put up with you again, it was so worth it.

There's a song that called "My Life Would Suck Without You". And I think in this case, with you, the title would be "My Life Would Suck With You". Without you, I'm happy, independant, financially stable, and I have savings. I don't miss you. My wallet doesn't miss you, my heart doesn't miss you, and my imaginary dog doesn't miss you.

The other day a friend and I were talking and I said something about needing to buy all my toys and live out my wild and random ideas before I got married and that brought up a valid point: I am who I am. The future spouse has to love me for who I am and be ok with who I am because I'm not changing into someone I don't like just to be with them. So that means I can live the wild random ideas for the rest of my life, not just now. Bring it on.

Now that being said, ex-boyfriend, you aren't my future spouse. Am I ever thankful for that.

Not missing you,


Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Dear Single Guy,

Dear Single Guy,

A while back you decided to provide me with some unasked advice on how I should attract a man. Apparently since I lack one, you felt the need to offer up what I am doing wrong.

Your first suggestion: Show cleavage

This makes absolute sense to me. I'll just wrongly adjust my garmets and wear a victoria secret miraculous bra, and show some bust. Back in the day, my friend had a word for dressing like that. I think the term was hoochie girl.

I'm sure that within hours of doing so, I'll pick up all sorts of men. Men who are interested in my body, men who see me as an object, men who have no respect for me, and how about men who don't want to date me, they just want some sort of physical intimacy without a commitment? I think the bible has a term for these kind of guys: whoremonger.

Your second suggestion: Wear a bikini

Brilliant suggestion. Just what a clumsy girl needs to attract a nice lifeguard fellow. And really, I am sure I could come to appreciate how a man can disrespect me with his eyes as he looks at most of my unclothed body and doesn't look me in the eye when he talks. Nothing like knowing you are appreciated like being leered over like a hunk of meat. I'm sure the love story in the paper announcing the relationship can say something like "Hoochie Girl Meets Whormonger". What a great title!

I guess I could become someone I'm not, and dress to attract the kind of guy I don't want, but the fact is, I am a quality girl. I don't need to dress inappropriately in order to attract a guy. Rest assured, in the future, should you see me and feel attracted to me without my cleavage and bikini, I'll make it a point of flirting and walking away. Can't touch this!

And someday, I hope my future daughters know how much value they have. They don't need to be immodest in order to get a date. They don't need to settle for a guy who is only focussed on their physical features. They can find someone who loves them for who they are, without dressing in an inappropriate way.

Not Your Hoochie Girl,


Saturday, January 1, 2011

Dear Camera Company That Shall Not Be Named,

Dear Camera Company That Shall Not Be Named,

I'd have to say, by far, your digital camera is the least user friendly one I've ever used. I just spent an hour trying to transfer photos from the camera to my computer. It appears, your crappy software isn't really compatible with windows 7 64 bit version. Yes, it says it is, but in reality, it isn't. And to top it off, you've made it impossible to access the images without a memory card reader UNLESS I install your crappy software. If I hadn't already thrown out the box, I'd be heading back to the store to trade in your pretty little piece of crap camera for a Nikon or a Canon. In fact, I might see if I can find the reciept and do it anyways.

And whats with the software getting a facebook and youtube password so I can automatically upload and share my images on them? You got some facebook stock invested in your company? I am pretty sure that for some people, that automatic upload feature, which doesn't work for windows 7, could end up being a very very bad thing.

My Nikon and Canon do not require me to install software to access the images on the camera. And I don't need to go out and buy a memory card reader either. I'm not sure where you got the brilliant idea that you were making users lives easier by forcing them to install software, but as far as I'm concerned, my Nikon and Canon are by far superior in quality, ease of use, and transfering images.

In case you're wondering, there's a reason you are now at the bottom of the market when you were once at the top. Your pretty little building in the Rochester area might have a Nikon or Canon label on it if you keep up your inferior products.

I don't plan to buy anything you make ever again.