Dear Santa,

Dear Santa,

I realize it's a little late for this year, but I came up with a late Christmas wish list, maybe it will work for next year, maybe not:

1. I would like my sister Christine to give the evil meowing cat that your "elf" left under the Christmas tree to Jake for his birthday. I know it's regifting, but I think it will be given just as much love as it's gotten at her house.

2. I would like Becca to get some sort of skimpy shirt or funny item. I usually get her a gag gift of some kind, but it just didn't happen this year. I ran out of energy.

3. I would like a baby cow. I don't know where I'd put it, but Ang has a strip of grass. Her neighbors wouldn't mind right?

4. A baby lamb would be cute too. They are hard to kill right? They are the size of a small dog, surely one could go in the yard too?

5. I really think I should get another patio pool. I miss my old one. It was super fun. I just hope I don't lose my top in it this time. I realize it is funny, but lets just say I prefer that it stay on my body.

6. When I get a new yard, I want a peach and nectarine tree. But you probably shouldn't bring them for me because I will buy them myself. If you could provide a love slave to help plant them, that would be much appreciated.

7. Do you think you could give me a fireman's pole? It might be fun, or I might hurt myself...most likely I'll hurt myself. But ya gotta live right?

8. I think my sister Ang would love one of those obnoxious screaming witch candy/toys. The one she so beloved somehow got thrown in the trash. Every time someone slammed a door it would scream. I know she loved it. I thought about getting it out of the trash for her and hiding it in her room or under her pillow. If you bring her one, please make sure you put it somewhere like under her bed or behind her dresser in some hard to reach place. She loves to hear it scream.

9. My sister Jenny would like something cool too. Maybe you've got a cool game like Operation Zombie or Monopoly Farms? Or you could bring her Just Dance 3? I think she needs to practice so when she comes to visit I won't beat her at it. It is a super fun game.

10. My dad would like a new dollhouse toilet. The one that belonged to the toy dollhouse at his house unfortunately got flushed down the toilet during our family christmas party and he had to remove the toilet and run a snake through it to get it out. The dollhouse one is now somewhere like the landfill.

Thanks for all the nice gifts you gave me this year. I am grateful for them.

Thank you for your consideration of these things in the future,

Love,

Les

Dear Becca,

Dear Becca,

Happy birthday late! I meant to post this a few days ago but I wasn't feeling very good and my bed and sleep called to me instead. I did call you though.

Anyways I'm glad you're my sister. You're kind and giving and you can make my nails super pretty. And you love me even when I burp happy birthday to you. Well, actually I've never done that but I know you'd still love me if I did.

I remember some fun times we had together. The hide and seek in the dark which mom and dad forbid us to play anymore because of damage to the house and their christmlas tree. I loved the karaoke and the special Christmas gives we give each other.

Anyways, I love you.

Love,

Les

Dear Old Neighbors,

Dear Old Neighbors,

I've been getting emails and things from you since I put my house up for sale and moved, and you know, you really made me feel loved. I really did enjoy living by you all. I know I was a softie when I came to your kids because I think I bought something from every one of them that came over to sell me stuff. And I even bought lemonade and then just dumped it out when they weren't looking cuz it was a little gross. Anyways, I thought I'd share a couple of emails I got from some of you that really made me grateful to know you and really touched me. I didn't realize how much of an impact I had on some of you until you started wishing me goodbye. But it goes both ways, there were so many of you I loved and admired.

Love,

Leslie

Here they are:

Hi Leslie,

How are you? I am sorry we didn't catch you before you left, but I just wanted to thank you for all you did for us. You were a really great neighbor. Thanks for all the times you mowed our lawn or pulled our weeds or found the fencing company or brought us a treat or let me sit by you in church. I learned a lot from you about looking out for and reaching out to others. Thanks for all the good you did here. I hope things go well for you. We will miss you!


Hey there Leslie-

Just wanted to know I saw your house pop up on my radar yesterday and when I told the family at dinner time- the whole clan was bummed about it.

The older kids have really missed you teaching them. You will be missed by us!

Change is always good! It's a rare person who welcomes it :) Good luck, and do- keep in touch with us- our family has really grown to love ya!

Dear Leslie,

I miss seeing you and your terrific smile. I am sad that I don't see you any more and was even sader to see a foe sale sign on your house, but I understand.

Some people come quickly into our lives and quickly leave,
Some stay a while and leave footprints on our hearts and we
are never ever the same.

Thanks for the heart attack on my birthday, the numerous nuts and raisins to lift my blood sugar, and your friendship.

Dear Doug and Margie,

Dear Doug and Margie,

I haven't thought of you in years, and suddenly I woke up this morning thinking of you. Wondering what happened to you.

I remember meeting you both at the cute little house next to the fire station where Doug worked in Brockport, NY. You had the cutest kids. You made us the nicest dinners. You wanted the best for your kids and did everything in your power to teach them good values and to make right choices. You didn't have a ton of money, but you were so down to earth and so kind. Such a giving sweet family. We had great discussions about religion.

Margie, I remember you telling me how you really wanted to get a house with a nice yard for the kids. I hoped you would find that. I hope you got your house with a yard that you could call your own. And I now understand why you felt that way. It's nice to have something and to belong somewhere. To see the fruits of your labors. You really did deserve to get a nice house. You were such a kind, Christlike person.

I wrote you when I left. I loved your family so. I wish you had written back so I could know what happened.

I hope that you found a nice house to move to with a cute yard that you could call your own. I hope it brought you joy. It's been a long time since I saw you both. You're probably grandparents by now.

But I thought of you today. We crossed paths for such a short time, and yet, it was a lifetime of memories and thoughts of you from years ago that crossed my mind today. Wherever life has taken you, I hope you know that God loves you. Just like you had such hopes for your children, he has such great hopes and desires for you. He sees potential in all of us, he knows what we are capable up.

Love,

Les

Dear Bridget

Dear Bridget,

Happy Birthday! Well I know there's like 2 days still, but I'm thinking of you at this very moment and so I am writing to you now.

I am glad you're my sister. I remember some fun times with you.

Do you remember all the special gifts you and I and Becca would wrap up for each other at Christmas? Well and I still do it. And the hide and seek in the dark at moms house and we kept knocking over the christmas tree and breaking things.

And when you got married you and Glenn gave me 2 cookie sheets. It made me happy. Those 2 cookie sheets are the only ones I have and it's so nice to have them.

And I love how we can sit around and laugh about things when you come and visit mom. And when you came down to visit and stayed at my house last year, it was great. I loved having you here.

You are such a hard worker. I'm proud of how hard you've worked to get through school and to take care of your kids.

I am so impressed by how much you love your students and how badly you want them to succeed. You have such a great heart.

I hope your birthday goes well and you know that your family loves you so much.

Love,

Les

Dear r1, r2, j, and a few others

Dear r1, r2, j, and a few others I won't even bother initializing,

Have you ever been misunderstood? Well, apparently it happens. You see, some of you seem to have misunderstood me. How you ask, well since it seems I've put my house up for sale. Yes, I know shocking.

So what do you all do? You assume. Remember what that does. And it did. Why would I sell my house to follow a guy? Much less when I admit I've not got anyone, thats right, NO GUY, that I'm interested in dating? And yet, you still ask, or state that is why I am selling. Annoying and dumb.

No, I'm not following any of you anywhere. NO, I'm not following some guy from the internet, there is NO guy. How well you know me it seems to even make such an assumption. I feel so flattered to think that you think so highly of me that I'd just randomly drop my house and walk away from it for some random guy. Like I have no depth or life beyond that of following a guy. Apparently thats all I live for?

Why can't I just live life to the fullest and should some guy come along that added to it, he can be an accessory in the house, not the one I drop the house for? Or better yet, we're both in a happy place and the house doesn't even matter. It's just a thing. I can't take it with me when I die anyways. People around me, life, service to God, there's so much more than a house in the perspective of things.

And while I'm at it. Just because I'm nice to you doesn't mean I want you, that I am totally in to you, that I am in love with you, or that I want to date you. Can I just not be nice with no ulterior motives? Can I just be kind for no other reason than to do so?

And one date six months ago doesn't mean a thing. It was a date. Yes I got me some food and you got the pleasure of my company. Can I just be your friend with no expectations? Can we just not flirt for the sheer enjoyment of it without anything coming of it? Just because I flirt doesn't mean I'm in love with you. It just means I am honing my skills and sharpening my knives. You're my practice till the right guy comes along. And I'm letting you practice on me for the right girl.

Not selling my house for you, not wanting to date you, not dreaming of you tonight, not even wanting to cuddle with you tonight,

Les

Dear Wasps

Dear Wasps,

Why don't you die? I see you at my parent's house. I see you at my neighbors house, I see you at my house. I kill all your nests, and yet, you still survive.

And worst of all, when I was picking apricots, you stung me in my armpit. Of all the places to pick, you stung me there!

I would just like you to know, it's war. If I see you, I spray you, and you die.

Bring it on you icky little beasties!

Les

Dear R,

Dear R,

I recall the moment I really saw you. It's like the light was turned on and there you were. Standing where you'd been all along, only I finally took notice of the amazing you I should've seen in all along. I felt bad. I wish I had been kinder, I wish I had been friendlier. I should've been better. I'm sorry. Forgive me. One day it looked like you were having a bad day and I felt like I should say something, only I didn't. I regret that. You deserve to know you are thought of especially when the days aren't going well.

I read a blog today that kinda goes along with what I was thinking. I really need to see the world through the eyes I've been blessed with:

The Way we See the World

Sometime today, take a few moments out of your busy life and make an attempt at really seeing.

Find something intriguing to focus on and put in the effort to notice the details: shapes, textures, negative spaces, light and shadow, contours, shades of color etc.

Contemplate for a minute, why that detail caught your attention and how it moved you once you took note if it.

Learning to really see the world is a labor common to the inventor, the writer, the leader, the musician, the teacher, the entrepreneur and anyone else who might bear the title of artist.

It's one of the reasons I get irked when people learn I'm a photographer and the first question out of their mouths is "which kind of camera do you use?"

I just point to my eyes.

The magic isn't in the black box, it's in the way we see the world.

Our vision begets creation.

The lenses through which we look determine the world we live in.

R, thank you for giving me a deeper perspective, a clearer lens to view the world. I'm sorry it took me so long to see you for who you really were. I will do my best to see my brothers and sisters around me in a positive and good light. I am surrounded by the most incredible people and I only need to really look at them to see that. Thanks for teaching me that.

Your friend,

Les

Dear Christine,

Dear Christine,

I was just thinking about how nice it is to have you as a sister. One reason I wanted to learn to play the piano is because I have great memories of you playing while we would sing along. We've had some fun times.

And it's great that you live nearby. I love to come by and see you or the kids on the way home from work, or to take them to get snow cones. And it's nice to talk to you on my drive to or from work. And we can laugh about the funniest things.

I don't have many friends who are girls, but it's ok because my sisters are my best friends. I know I can call you and we can go to a movie, or I can drag you out on a walk, or to the store, or I can play my piano songs and you'll encourage me to keep on learning.

I know sometimes life gets hard and it sucks when kids do things like marker the couch or other things, but thanks for staying positive. Sure you go have a good cry, but then you wake up just fine the next day.

Love,

Les

PS. Someday when you have baby #6, feel free to name her after me. :D

Dear Morning

Dear Morning,

You are dark at 5am. And tiring. Leaving me questioning why in the world I signed up to be on call. Right, the money....I suppose there was a reason.

And I'm supposed to run with my mom in an hour. I tried to call and tell her to wait, but she didn't answer which means when I go back to bed she'll notice the call and call and wake me up. Or not notice at all and call and wake me up in an hour.

Oh well, it could be worse. Sleep is overrated right?

Les

Dear R,

Dear R,

Can I just tell you how grateful I am to you for fixing my air conditioner. I didn't even know they had those fuse things in them. And you probably wanted to roll over and laugh when I called it a spark plug. I am totally fine if you do.

And now I can sleep in an air conditioned room. I guess I'll start wearing pajamas again. Ok, so probably not, but I might use a blanket tonight. Pajamas are so overrated anyways.

Anyways, you probably don't know this and you'll probably never get around to reading this, but you are a great example to me. In fact, you make me want to be a better person.

You are so willing to help people. You are kind to people. You work hard, and even when you have the suckiest of days, you still stay calm. Like when the switch kept going out and we kept losing connections nonstop, I could tell you were having a rough day, and you know, I probably would've curled up in a corner and cried at some point, but you didn't. You just kept on going.

I am not so gutsy when it comes to telling people how great they are, so in case you didn't know, you're quality. Thanks for being so awesome.

Someday I hope I marry someone as great as you.

Les

Dear Pole

Dear Pole,

Do you remember me? Do you remember my old nissan? You probably still have paint on it where I hit you. And you probably recall, I hit my friend Rebecca's car about the same time I hit you. And after that I decided no more underground parking structure for me. It was a tad difficult to get in and out of there anyways.

The other day some friends and I were eating popsicles and they had jokes on the stick. Mine said, "Where do snowmen like to dance." The answer on the stick said at a snowball, but we came up with a better answer: The north pole.

And no, I do not have a pole in my bedroom, or the kitchen. Nor do I dance around the poles outside holding up the covered patio.

But yes, I could. It might be memorable for the neighbors, like when I had the pool in the backyard, or when I attempted to use a turkey fryer thing that took like 5 gallons of oil.

Anyways pole, you really should stay out of my way.

Les

Dear Book,

Dear Book,

You had something profound in you that I liked. I am sharing it:

"I knew an old Illianer woman, once," she said slowly. "When she was young, her mother arranged a marriage for her with a man she had never even met. They do that down in Illian, sometimes. She said she spent the first five years raging against him, and the next five scheming to make his life miserable without his knowing who was to blame. It was only years later, she said, when he died, that she realized he really had been the love of her life."

"I don't see what that has to do with this."

Her look said he obviously was not trying to understand and her voice became overly patient. "Just because fate has chosen something for you instead of you choosing it for yourself doesn't mean it has to be bad. Even if it's something you are sure you would never have chosen in a hundred years. 'Better ten days of love than years of regretting," she quoted.

Now book, I'm not saying that an arraged marriage is what I'm talking about here, it isn't. I just think sometimes in life we have the attitude that we didn't choose for ourselves and it is bad. It isn't. It's good to look around and see what amazing things God has blessed me with.

And now I'm sure some of you eyeballing my blog are wondering if the book is a smut novel. No it is not. You can buy it here on amazon. But you really should start with book 1.

Book, I really am glad you aren't a smut novel. I really don't care for them and I don't think they are healthy for the mind or body. And now that I'm partway through the series, I'd be mad if I had to give up and throw all of your series buddies in the trash along with you. And yes, I would do that.

There are plenty of books in the landfill compliments of me. Although, maybe I should get a firepit and burn them. They would be nice fuel and I do want a firepit.

And book, please do not keep me up late tonight. I am trying to go to bed earlier this week. Well, at least I was until I wrote your quote down and now it's getting late and I'm still awake.

Book, the least you could do is find me a nice attractive man to go with you.

Goodnight book,

Les

Dear Brownies

Dear Brownies,

I have to say, you made quite the lunch. Who knew that you could be so tasty and filling as a lunch? Apparently, I did since I ate you for my lunch.

Please take all those fat calories and put them in my chest and not my butt or my waist. I did use low-fat ingredients when I made you, so perhaps there are no fat calories and it's all in my imagination.

And while you're at it, can you please make my sister Christine's baby healthy and strong. I know she liked eating you after dinner. And since she has that diabetes test on Wednesday (that someone I know didn't take), she really needs the extra sugar overload and the healthy thing.

From what I hear that stuff they make you drink for the test is yucky. Perhaps I could crush you up and dump in her bottle of the sugar stuff for her test. All it can do is help right? And I'm sure Christine would be so appreciative of my support and flavoring of her diabetes test mix.

And if all else fails, at least it will give her drink special floaties.

Love,

Les

Dear Becca

Dear Becca,

Thanks for making my nails look all pretty. You made my night. I've been wanting pretty nails for a while and now I have them.

I know I'm clumsy and I might ruin them in a few days, but it's nice to have pretty fingers even if it's only a day or two. Maybe now a dreamy guy will come along and see the hot girl with pretty nails (yes, thats me) and totally ask me out and it will be your doing because it's all due to the nails.

Let's hope it's two days the nails stay intact. I promise not to garden, use a saw, use a shovel, or a hammer, or a nail gun, or an ax until at least Tuesday. That way maybe they will be pretty till then. And I probably won't use an ax at all. I don't own one and if I miss it will hurt a lot.

Anyways, it was fun to see you. I miss you when you aren't around. And I'm glad you are my sister.

Love,

Les

Dear SweetTarts,

Dear SweetTarts,

Today I discovered a package of you in the back of the cupboard that I had forgotten about. Since I love the purple flavor and I wanted a little sugar, I began to eat you. It started off with a blue, and then a green, then a red, then two more greens. And I began to wonder, where was the elusive purple, instead of opening as I ate, I decided to open all and find my purple. Then I got a red, then two more greens. Then a blue, and two more greens.

By the time I opened up your pack, I had a few reds and blues and lots and lots of greens. This has left me wondering, how exactly do you determine the process of putting the flavors in the package? Is it actually random, or did some employee accidentally cook up a giant batch of greens you had to get rid off?

Now I like green, don't get me wrong, but I don't want to eat so many greens that my pee turns green, or my tongue looks like I've eaten a snow cone.

And I really wanted a purple!!!!!!! Please fix your packaging process so I get some purples next time.

That being said, could you also make your chewy sweet tarts more readily available. They are so incredibly yummy and incredibly addicting, but hard to find. I think I've had to look at a dozen different stores in search of them.

Is that a hint that I should be on a diet? First you don't give me any purples and then you hide your chewy sweet tarts?

If you're suggesting that, it really is none of your business. Just give me the candy already!!! Purples and chewy ones.

Thanks,

Les

PS. I have a big bag of green ones I'll trade you some purples for

Dear Sinners

Dear Sinners,

In case you didn't hear, there was a "rapture" that was supposed to take place last Saturday. If you're reading this, you didn't get taken up to heaven. Thus, you are all sitting pretty with me and we're all going to hell in a bobsled.

Why a bobsled? Have you ever ridden in one? It takes you up to something like 3 or 5 G's in mere seconds. If you get motion sick like me, you'll be puking all over the driver guy by the end. Or you'll somehow manage to hold it in. Then you can lay on the ground wishing for sudden death for the next few hours as the world spins in circles around you.

Now, since this rapture thing didn't take me, or you, look on the bright side:

1. If fire and brimstone are really going to rain down on us, maybe we'll get some cool photos we can post on our blogs or on facebook. I mean how many people have ever taken photos of fire and brimstone?

2. If the power goes out, the fire and brimstone will probably keep a nice light going on so we won't need flashlights

3. Those jehovah's witnesses that keep leaving crap on my door might get their church burned up and realize that their lives filled with no fun and lack of celebration did them no good cuz their in the same boat as us funner ones

4. Can I just say BBQ? Mmm, think of all the steak and ribs slow roasing on a hot pile o brimstone for the eating.

5. Smores. Can there be a fire without smores? The marshmallows are so fun to burn.

6. If you're in the bobsled and the world is spinning, some things might look better than the did previously.

Love you all sinner people, glad you could join me,

Les

Dear Sunshine

Dear Sunshine,

I know you've only been gone for like 2 days, but I miss you. I have my fire roaring and I am cold. I want you to heat up my house to like 80 degrees so that when I get home from work you are nice and toasty.

And I really want you to make my painted daisies grow up nice and big. And soon would be nice. Once it gets roaring hot they tend to die off.

Les

Dear White Poison

Dear White Poison (aka Milk),

You are so great. You give me healthy teeth and healthy bones. Thanks to you, nothing has broken despite my numerous clumsy mishaps.

You taste good with cookies. You make a tasty rice pudding. You fill my sister kids tummies up so they aren't hungry and sad. You make me greatful for cereal. And cookies. And more cookies. And did I mention how great you are with cookies?

Yes, you do come from a cow, but I milked a cow one year at my parents house. We treated her well and gave her plenty of good food. She returned the favor by giving us plenty of milk and cream.

I am grateful to you nice cows who give us milk. Who have cute little baby cows that have soft fur and are fun to pet.

Thank you cows for your white poison. I will drink it so long as my body is able.

Les

Dear Cell Phones

Dear Cell Phones,

First, pretty red one. You've been faithful for nearly two years. For the past two months, not so much. You only had to hold out a little longer, but no, instead you decided to die. And you had to wait till all the cell phone stores were closed and I couldn't replace you.

And then there's you, crappy cheap replacement phone. I admit, I didn't like you. But I got you out of the classifieds, so what could I really expect? I didn't expect much of anything. Still, I did expect you to work for more than 5 hours!!! Now the car charger and the wall charger do nothing for you.

I'm on call tonight and there's nothing I can do if I get a support call since you won't turn on!!! That was a waste of money. Glad I didn't spend any more on you than I did.

And you, shiny black one now being fed-exed to my parents house in 1-2 day shipping. You best be working when you get there or else I'm gonna feed you to the nearly broken blender I have in my house. And that might be where pretty red dead cell goes and junky gray antique broken one go.

Why must I use a cell phone?

Les

Dear Spring

Dear Spring,

I am so happy you are hear. I love that my flowers are coming up. I am happy to see the flowers that are blooming. I'm happy to see the grass turning green. I am happy that it is growing warmer. I am happy to run outside and feel my toes at the end of it.

I love to see the plants coming alive again. I love the painted daisies in the spring. They are so pretty.

Loving you,

Leslie

Dear Boycotting Latinos,

Dear Boycotting Latinos,

I read today that you are going to boycott all the stores for two weeks. I just thought that I'd point out that you'll just spend twice as much money in two weeks because you didn't buy groceries for two weeks or things you need, or gas for your car. But go ahead and protest that probably means less time I'll wait in line at Walmart or Savers .

I really don't have a problem with Latinos. And some of them in the movies look really good. So really it isn't about looks. But I would appreciate it if you kept the laws and drove with car insurance. It sucks when people without insurance hit your car.

Anyways, I'd also appreciate it if you'd set up a taco stand in South Jordan, or at least sell tamales out of the trunk of your car. I realize that might not be the safest way to eat food, but taco stands and tamales are really tasty and I'd like some and I never see taco stands or tamale sellers around.

Maybe you could set up shop next to the girl scout cookie stand. Then I could buy tamales for dinner and thin mints for dessert.

Mmmm.....those girl scout cookies could almost double as dinner they are so tasty. Last year I made it officially girl scout cookie one day at church and brought like 5 boxes for snack during relief society. I do love church snacks. It makes church much more enjoyable cuz my tummy isn't telling me to go home and eat. And I bring water too. None of those germy drinking fountains for me. Kroger bottle water all the way.

And really Latinos, you could sell Kroger water to and I could eat my meal right there in the parking lot next to you and the girl scouts. Think about it, it's a win-win situation. And maybe the girl scouts will trade you some cookies for some tamales. That way you can still attempt the whole boycotting thing but still eat girl scout cookies. It can't hurt to ask right?

Your tamale eating friend,

Les

Dear BYU Basketball Team,

Dear BYU Basketball Team,

You are like a hormonal woman. One minute you're on fire and nothing can stop you. You dominated San Diego twice and it gave you a new ranking. The next moment you turn into a lousy team that gets beaten to a pulp by a lousy unranked team with average Joe's filling the roster.

How can you claim that you deserve a ranking and a number one seed for the NCAA tournament when you let New Mexico kick you clear to Mexico and back? Not once, but twice. And everyone else somehow manages to not lose.

One minute you're on fire, the next minute, when it's all about New Mexico, you suck.

Now I am wondering why I am keeping tabs on the game instead of sleeping. You are getting your butts kicked and you don't seem to care.

Goodnight,

Les

Dear C & J,

Dear C & J,

Isn't it kinda funny how life goes? A while back, months and years, I would've dated either of you. I saw you both as these amazing guys. I thought you were both brilliant, we had great conversations. But perspective is wonderful. Saw you recently. Not really planned, not uncomfortable, but very entertaining. I realized the water didn't have the depth I thought and shallow water isn't nearly as fun to swim in.

And the best part? I love to flirt with you and encourage you and then walk away so you'll know you totally missed out. Horrible? possibly. Yet incredibly fun.

What can I say, nothing like knowing you totally missed out on me. And knowing I'm so over it.

I might've been your trophy wife if you'd given me a chance. If you hadn't been kissing my friend the same time you were kissing me. If you had seen past the glimmer of the shallow girls and seen me for me. All you had to do was reach out your hand and I would've taken it.

I love me for being me. I'm so glad I am who I am and that you didn't choose me. I deserve someone who sees me for me.

Not your Barbie,

Les

Dear Sawzal

Dear Sawzal,

You are an incredibly cool tool. I managed to cut a board out of the floor. How cool is that? And I didn't cut off an arm, or a leg, or even cut myself. Or break you.

You are an amazing saw and way better than using something by hand. If you were a man, I'd totally date you. You're hard working, you might be a little bit grungy on the outside, but the inside you are of value. Although, you do cut things. I'm not sure I want my heart or my love chopped up in bits and pieces and left as firewood scraps. Maybe that only happens if someone uses you wrong though, and I wouldn't.

If you find a real man thats like you, let me know. Then I'll date him.

Les

Dear Diet Coke,

Dear Diet Coke,

I must thank you for making my headache go away. In fact, your special caffeine mixture left me feeling a bit wired and I pondered working on the basement more. But I didn't. Apparently, it also gave me a twinge of laziness. Or perhaps the headache did that.

But while I waited for you to kick in, I did watch a movie. And I must say, while the guy in the movie was incredibly hot, I didn't really like the plot. They stretched a story that could've been like a 20 minute movie into about 2 hours. I suppose it would've been 2 hours for me had I not gotten tired of all the sappy junk and fast forwarded through pretty much all of it. So maybe thats why I wasn't all that sad when the relationship crashed and burned. Well, that and really, a relationship probably should be more than what was probably 30 or 40 minutes of make out scenes that I fast forwarded through.

I must say, the dvd remote can work just like a dvr or tivo when I want it to. And I'm not really sad I skipped the corny parts. I don't think I missed much.

And dearest Diet Coke, headache reliever, did you know that a couple of ladies and I are thinking about drinking you to get us through relief society? Yep. You will make certain lessons more bearable. And I'm sure my attitude will be so much more pleasing when I burp coke breath rather than sit there quietly.

Les

Dear Blankie,

Dear Blankie,

You've seen me through the years. The worst times and the best times. I've held onto you tightly as I've cried myself to sleep. I've wrapped you around me when I've been cold. You've covered me with warmth as I reflected on my pleasant days. You sit covering my legs and warming me as I type. I can reach out in the dark night and feel you.

Some might call you a superficial comfort. Some might call it childish. But they are wrong. Blankie, you symbolize so much.

You are my mother wrapping her arms around me when I'm sad. You are my sisters who wait at the finish line for me to finish a race. You are my father who hugs me in joy. You represent love. The love of one who made you anticipating the arrival of a tiny baby. The love of a mother cradling her child wrapped up warmly. The love of so many.

Blankie, you are well worn and tattered from the years of use, but you are loved and cherished. Not because you are an object, but because you symbolize the love and caring around me.

Thank you blankie for keeping my body and my heart warm.

Les

Dear Glenn,

Dear Glenn,

Today I decided to start picking random people, or not so random people and tell them why I admire them. It's your lucky day Glenn, I picked you! I know you're probably secretly groaning now and wondering what I can possibly put in a blog besides the photo above, worry no more. Read and see.

I admire you because you work hard. I remember when you had that job last year that you really didn't enjoy, and it had kind of crappy hours and you had to work a ton of weekends, and you did it. You knew you needed to support your family until Bridget finished school so even when it sucked, you stuck it out. Thats a tough thing to do. Lots of people would've said, screw it and just walked out. But not you, you stayed on course.

I think you are a great dad to your kids. You always make sure they are taken care of and you do your best to make them happy. They are really blessed to have such a good dad.

And you are always patient and good with Bridget. Whenever she's upset, you seem to know just what to do. And you really love her. I never have to worry that you'll treat her bad. I just know you'll watch out for her.

I remember when you and Bridget got married and you got all these piles of presents because people so loved you. And you were both so nice and gave me 2 cookie sheets cuz you had lots of them. It was so nice of you. I didn't really have anything but dollar store ones till you gave me those ones. And you didn't have to share, but you knew I wanted them so you let me have them.

You know, I ought to remind you that I'm your favorite sister-in-law and that I really do like fresh baked cookies and whatever else is tasty and doesn't contain celery. If you ever need to sacrifice some, feel free to bring them my way.

Anyways, thank you for being a good dad, and for loving my sister. I don't have to worry about her or the kids because I know you will always be there for them.

Your favorite sister-in-law,

Les

Dear S3@rs,

Dear S3@rs,

You may possibly have the worst customer service I've ever experienced. I ordered a dress a few weeks before Christmas as a new Christmas present for myself. My credit card was charged and I assumed the order was on it's way. A few days before Christmas, I still had no dress so I went and bought one somewhere else. A few days after Christmas with no sign of the dress, I called to inquire about it. Some guy told me to be patient and said the order was fine.

A few days later, still no dress. I called again and the customer service girl told me there was definitely something wrong with the order and that it hadn't shipped, but that she had to fill out all sorts of paperwork and open an "investigation" before they could refund my money.

This week, I called them again inquiring as to my order and refund. A different customer service woman says something like, yeah, your order never shipped. I don't know why. I see that they did fill out the investigation forms to get a refund. Then I ask for my refund and she tells me they have to do another investigation in order to refund my money.

Finally today, I get an email telling me that they've refunded me for my order, MINUS the shipping. What? They never shipped my order and they are keeping my $7 in shipping. That is totally not ok with me.

I called them up and got this wacked out customer service guy. I argue with him out how it is fraud to keep a customers shipping costs when they never actually sent me anything. Then he gives me this line about how as a service to me, they'll give me a gift card in the amount of $7 to use on my next order with them. Seriously? They actually think I'm going to place an order with them again? And I want my $7 back. I don't think it's ok to keep it when they never actually sent me anything.

I told him that a gift card was absolutely unacceptable and I wanted that money back on my card now. He gives me this load of crap about how he has to open an "investigation" to determine if I can have my extra $7 back. So then I told him that it was unacceptable to keep it when they didn't ship anything and it needed to be refunded now. Meanwhile, the guy is like heavy breathing on the phone sounding winded or like he's huffing something while he types and hard to follow or understand. Finally after arguing with him for a while longer he says, ok, I will refund your $7 and it should be on your card in the next few days.

You can bet that if it isn't, you'll get one final phone call before I go fill out a dispute form at my credit union, and a complaint with the Utah Consumer Protection Agency.

Had this been my first awful order with you, I might've considered a gift card in addition to a refund, however, having experienced what I would call a second awful customer service experience with you and your website, I don't think I ever want to do business with you again.

The first experience, I placed an order online and selected in-store pickup. This required a phone number for some crazy reason. Then after charging me, I got an email informing me that the items were not in stock and that my money would be refunded. I was fine with that, EXCEPT that I got a 5am wake up call the next morning informing me that my items were ready for pickup and I needed to pick them up. And then I got the same phone call a little later.

You know, I am one who likes my sleep. If someone is calling me at 5am, they better have a very good reason. A pickup on a canceled order is not a good reason. I called customer service and let them know I didn't appreciate it but I understood there were system glitches and to please not let it happen again.

I know there is a three strikes you're out thing, but in this case. I think two is sufficient to determine that your website and your employees are incompetent, unprofessional, and obviously trained to squeeze every bit of money out of a customer and not give it back, even when the customer is completely in the right.

I can definitely see why your stores and your stock is hurting. Why would anyone shop at your stores given the experiences like the two I've had? Unless your products are on sale, they're overpriced. And your customer service is more like armed robbery. In addition, your website is clunky and now that you've opened it up for other people to sell products on your site, one search brings back thousands of items and it's difficult to sort through which ones come from you. Although with your "investigation" requirements in order to get a refund, I'm not sure it matters since apparently skimming shipping off the top of non-shipped orders seems to be your forte.

Good luck in your future endeavors. I imagine we will see you bankrupt in a few years on the news.

Your former customer,

Les

Dear Ex-Boyfriend,

Dear Ex-Boyfriend,

I'll call you John so you can think of this as a Dear John letter, but instead of me dumping you, I'll just tell you how much better life has been without you.

John, I was thinking about it today, remember when you maxed out my credit card and I agreed to take a signature loan of a few thousand dollars on your behalf so you could get out of some debts hanging over your head? You agreed to pay the payments and pay me back and never did. It took me a few years of dilligently paying and going without other things to pay it off on my own.

Well, I believe that was the best several thousand dollars I ever spent. I think I paid you to go away!!!! What a relief. My life sucked with you. It's way better without you. It may have cost me a pound of flesh and a long time to pay off, but if it means not seeing you, not marrying you, and basically, not having to ever put up with you again, it was so worth it.

There's a song that called "My Life Would Suck Without You". And I think in this case, with you, the title would be "My Life Would Suck With You". Without you, I'm happy, independant, financially stable, and I have savings. I don't miss you. My wallet doesn't miss you, my heart doesn't miss you, and my imaginary dog doesn't miss you.

The other day a friend and I were talking and I said something about needing to buy all my toys and live out my wild and random ideas before I got married and that brought up a valid point: I am who I am. The future spouse has to love me for who I am and be ok with who I am because I'm not changing into someone I don't like just to be with them. So that means I can live the wild random ideas for the rest of my life, not just now. Bring it on.

Now that being said, ex-boyfriend, you aren't my future spouse. Am I ever thankful for that.

Not missing you,

Les

Dear Single Guy,

Dear Single Guy,

A while back you decided to provide me with some unasked advice on how I should attract a man. Apparently since I lack one, you felt the need to offer up what I am doing wrong.

Your first suggestion: Show cleavage

This makes absolute sense to me. I'll just wrongly adjust my garmets and wear a victoria secret miraculous bra, and show some bust. Back in the day, my friend had a word for dressing like that. I think the term was hoochie girl.

I'm sure that within hours of doing so, I'll pick up all sorts of men. Men who are interested in my body, men who see me as an object, men who have no respect for me, and how about men who don't want to date me, they just want some sort of physical intimacy without a commitment? I think the bible has a term for these kind of guys: whoremonger.

Your second suggestion: Wear a bikini

Brilliant suggestion. Just what a clumsy girl needs to attract a nice lifeguard fellow. And really, I am sure I could come to appreciate how a man can disrespect me with his eyes as he looks at most of my unclothed body and doesn't look me in the eye when he talks. Nothing like knowing you are appreciated like being leered over like a hunk of meat. I'm sure the love story in the paper announcing the relationship can say something like "Hoochie Girl Meets Whormonger". What a great title!

I guess I could become someone I'm not, and dress to attract the kind of guy I don't want, but the fact is, I am a quality girl. I don't need to dress inappropriately in order to attract a guy. Rest assured, in the future, should you see me and feel attracted to me without my cleavage and bikini, I'll make it a point of flirting and walking away. Can't touch this!

And someday, I hope my future daughters know how much value they have. They don't need to be immodest in order to get a date. They don't need to settle for a guy who is only focussed on their physical features. They can find someone who loves them for who they are, without dressing in an inappropriate way.

Not Your Hoochie Girl,

Les

Dear Camera Company That Shall Not Be Named,

Dear Camera Company That Shall Not Be Named,

I'd have to say, by far, your digital camera is the least user friendly one I've ever used. I just spent an hour trying to transfer photos from the camera to my computer. It appears, your crappy software isn't really compatible with windows 7 64 bit version. Yes, it says it is, but in reality, it isn't. And to top it off, you've made it impossible to access the images without a memory card reader UNLESS I install your crappy software. If I hadn't already thrown out the box, I'd be heading back to the store to trade in your pretty little piece of crap camera for a Nikon or a Canon. In fact, I might see if I can find the reciept and do it anyways.

And whats with the software getting a facebook and youtube password so I can automatically upload and share my images on them? You got some facebook stock invested in your company? I am pretty sure that for some people, that automatic upload feature, which doesn't work for windows 7, could end up being a very very bad thing.

My Nikon and Canon do not require me to install software to access the images on the camera. And I don't need to go out and buy a memory card reader either. I'm not sure where you got the brilliant idea that you were making users lives easier by forcing them to install software, but as far as I'm concerned, my Nikon and Canon are by far superior in quality, ease of use, and transfering images.

In case you're wondering, there's a reason you are now at the bottom of the market when you were once at the top. Your pretty little building in the Rochester area might have a Nikon or Canon label on it if you keep up your inferior products.

I don't plan to buy anything you make ever again.

Les