Dear Fireplace

Dear Fireplace,

You are the bright shiny pillar in my house. You are full of warmth and you have big pretty flames. If only you were wood burning I would throw things in you and make a really big fire. Perhaps God was inspired when he led me to this house and it only had a gas fireplace.

Did you know that if you chop up an entire Christmas tree and throw it in a fireplace all at once it makes really really big flames and they even come out of the fireplace and make you wonder if you are going to burn the house down despite using the fireplace? Now you do. Apparently it is not the best idea to burn a Christmas tree in the house. And it will burn the carpet in the vicinity of the fireplace.

My friend Mark has great bonfires too. I helped load wood on the fires at his house. I once threw on like 2 or 3 pallets at once. Amelia called us both pyros. We did get the flames like 20 feet high. But there was one dumb guy who decided to jump through the flames and singed off his eyebrows.

Anyways fireplace. Thanks for being here for me today. I am laying by you as we speak.

Your Admirer,

Les

Dear Donut Store

Dear Donut Store,

You are probably the reason I'm not losing tons of weight despite working out all the time. I run by you and smell all the yummy donut smells and instead of wanting to keep running down the street, I want to run inside you and eat donuts.

In fact, a while back after Christine and I ran by you, we came back and bought a dozen donuts. We wanted to eat them all and not share, but there were four little kids who looked so hopefully at the box of donuts we couldn't keep them all to ourselves. Then we also shared with Dan.

Maple bars, my weakness.
Cake donut with maple frosting, my weakness.
Cake donut with sprinkles, my weakness.
Apple fritter, my weakness.
Custard filled thing with chocolate frosting, yup, my weakness.
Old fashioned glaze, Christine's weakness.
Chocolate cake with chocolate frosting, not really mine, but I'll say Christine's weakness.
Yummy sugar cookies, both our weakness.

Donut Store, sweet donut store. How skinny I would be without you. On the bright side of things, I have a bigger chest than my sister Christine, and besides genetics, I have you to thank. Granted it isn't all that big, but without your donuts, I would need more padding than the padded bra I currently wear.

Thank you for the tasty donuts, the enticing aroma to run by, and the supersize chest I've got.

Your fan,

Les

Dear Rachel

Dear Rachel,

This morning I wanted you to know something: The tooth fairy is not real. Neither is Santa, Mrs Claus, the Easter Bunny, or a leprachaun.

But on the bright side of things, it is fun to pretend they are real. It's meant as fun.

Did you ever see that toothfairy movie? I didn't, but if the Rock or Vin Diesel were my toothfairy, I'd be tempted to pull out a tooth every night just so the toothfairy would come back night after night. I might have good dreams if I watched Vin Diesel movies night after night....Wait a minute, I don't want to be toothless. I'll have to swipe someone else's teeth night after night. Then my pretty teeth will look all shiny for when the happy dreams tooth fairy shows up.

So the good news is that they aren't real, but the even better news is that it doesn't matter. Real or not, they can be whatever you want to imagine them to be. And let me tell you, at the moment, my toothfairy, and my Easter bunny are hot buff guys. But lets be honest, I really don't care if I date and marry a guy that looks like my dreamy toothfairy. I'd rather have real and there are so many better things.

Be happy. Be unbelieving of the toothfairy. There is no harm in pretend.

Love,

Les

Dear Lady From Church

Dear Lady From Church,

You are such an amazing lady. Today I learned that you have such a great attitude despite the trials life has dealt you. You lost a baby, and at some point in the future, you will also lose your teenage daughter.

You have fought alongside your daughter for her entire life. She has been on numerous medications and now she has reached a point where you've done all you can do. Instead of sheltering her, you are doing as many fun things as you can while she is still around and able to enjoy them.

I know you will mourn her loss, and yet, you also know that she is going to a good place. You could've chosen to have a bad attitude, but you have not.

Thank you for always being smiley and happy even though you've known that you would outlive your child. Thank you for teaching your child to be happy and kind despite having so much to deal with.

I cannot fathom the difficulties you face, but I admire you. Please carry on and put on a good face. Show the world that life cannot beat you down and that you will climb to the top of the hill and conquer your foes. And if you ever need help, I will be there to push or pull you to the top of the hill.

Your Friend,

Les

Dear Nemesis, er I mean Bike,

Dear Nemesis, er I mean Bike,

Why is it that when I am on you I lose all sense of balance? Why can't you work for me the same way you can for my mom, who is apparently the bike whisperer?

I ride you, and fill your tires with air, and in return, I get a sore butt, I tip over when I don't unclip my feet from the pedals in time, and my mom still kicks my butt beyond what you can possibly understand.

Do you like being called Nemesis? I got it from that Star Trek movie title. I forget what the movie is about because I'm not really a Star Trek kind of girl, but that last movie had some hot guys in it so I watched it. And now I'm suddenly reminded of how when I was in high school there were people who were so into it that they had Star Trek shirts they wore to school.

I really don't get the interest in it, I only know and remember like 2 or 3 names from the whole movie: Spock, Captain Kirk, and Scotty. But then again, it's ok. I can't be expected to remember when I never even watched the TV series.

But back to you bike. You are not a Star Trek item. That means that you should not consider yourself flyable while I am on you. Nor should you run over things like a sticker bush because I am totally incompetent and I have to take you to the bike shop to get your tire change.

Please be a better, nicer bike in the future. Make yourself something with turbo speed so I can keep up with my mom. Don't tip over and send me flying, and please avoid those thorns. I am merely a woman, you must be the bike I know you can be.

Sincerly,

Your riding partner Les

Dear Car Who Cut Me Off

Dear Car Who Cut Me Off,

I'd like you to know I would've let you in had you used your blinker to let me know that you wanted in to my lane. Instead you swerved into my lane and I had to slam on my brakes in an attempt to prevent an accident.

So just for future reference, there is this little stick thing by the steering wheel. In my car, all you do is push it up or down. Since you pushed into the right lane, that means down. Then the blinker turns on and other drivers know you want in their lane.

I know its hard to pass the drivers test and learn all the rules. I don't know how it is now, but when I was in high school we had to get 80% on the test. I got exactly an 80% and that was probably a miracle. Then I crashed like 2 months later.

It didn't involve using the blinker. Now I know not to tailgate. There were a bunch of church boys walking along the sidewalk where I crashed. Maybe they distracted me. Men are distracting.

Did you know there was this little old short fat man that used to hit on me at my old work? He didn't speak English very well and I knew to cringe when I heard his voice calling out to me "YLEESLIE!" It made me want to scream from torture. It made it difficult to focus because I wanted to run far far away. Note to men: It you are like 30 years older than me, I really don't want to date you. Second note to men: If you are wider than you are tall, I really don't want to date you. Third note to men: If you are 2 feet shorter than me it's so not sexy.

I hope you use the little black signal thing next time so you don't crash in like 2 months.

Be Safe.

Your courteous driver friend,

Les