Dear Ex-Boyfriend,
I'll call you John so you can think of this as a Dear John letter, but instead of me dumping you, I'll just tell you how much better life has been without you.
John, I was thinking about it today, remember when you maxed out my credit card and I agreed to take a signature loan of a few thousand dollars on your behalf so you could get out of some debts hanging over your head? You agreed to pay the payments and pay me back and never did. It took me a few years of dilligently paying and going without other things to pay it off on my own.
Well, I believe that was the best several thousand dollars I ever spent. I think I paid you to go away!!!! What a relief. My life sucked with you. It's way better without you. It may have cost me a pound of flesh and a long time to pay off, but if it means not seeing you, not marrying you, and basically, not having to ever put up with you again, it was so worth it.
There's a song that called "My Life Would Suck Without You". And I think in this case, with you, the title would be "My Life Would Suck With You". Without you, I'm happy, independant, financially stable, and I have savings. I don't miss you. My wallet doesn't miss you, my heart doesn't miss you, and my imaginary dog doesn't miss you.
The other day a friend and I were talking and I said something about needing to buy all my toys and live out my wild and random ideas before I got married and that brought up a valid point: I am who I am. The future spouse has to love me for who I am and be ok with who I am because I'm not changing into someone I don't like just to be with them. So that means I can live the wild random ideas for the rest of my life, not just now. Bring it on.
Now that being said, ex-boyfriend, you aren't my future spouse. Am I ever thankful for that.
Not missing you,
Les
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Dear Single Guy,
Dear Single Guy,
A while back you decided to provide me with some unasked advice on how I should attract a man. Apparently since I lack one, you felt the need to offer up what I am doing wrong.
Your first suggestion: Show cleavage
This makes absolute sense to me. I'll just wrongly adjust my garmets and wear a victoria secret miraculous bra, and show some bust. Back in the day, my friend had a word for dressing like that. I think the term was hoochie girl.
I'm sure that within hours of doing so, I'll pick up all sorts of men. Men who are interested in my body, men who see me as an object, men who have no respect for me, and how about men who don't want to date me, they just want some sort of physical intimacy without a commitment? I think the bible has a term for these kind of guys: whoremonger.
Your second suggestion: Wear a bikini
Brilliant suggestion. Just what a clumsy girl needs to attract a nice lifeguard fellow. And really, I am sure I could come to appreciate how a man can disrespect me with his eyes as he looks at most of my unclothed body and doesn't look me in the eye when he talks. Nothing like knowing you are appreciated like being leered over like a hunk of meat. I'm sure the love story in the paper announcing the relationship can say something like "Hoochie Girl Meets Whormonger". What a great title!
I guess I could become someone I'm not, and dress to attract the kind of guy I don't want, but the fact is, I am a quality girl. I don't need to dress inappropriately in order to attract a guy. Rest assured, in the future, should you see me and feel attracted to me without my cleavage and bikini, I'll make it a point of flirting and walking away. Can't touch this!
And someday, I hope my future daughters know how much value they have. They don't need to be immodest in order to get a date. They don't need to settle for a guy who is only focussed on their physical features. They can find someone who loves them for who they are, without dressing in an inappropriate way.
Not Your Hoochie Girl,
Les
A while back you decided to provide me with some unasked advice on how I should attract a man. Apparently since I lack one, you felt the need to offer up what I am doing wrong.
Your first suggestion: Show cleavage
This makes absolute sense to me. I'll just wrongly adjust my garmets and wear a victoria secret miraculous bra, and show some bust. Back in the day, my friend had a word for dressing like that. I think the term was hoochie girl.
I'm sure that within hours of doing so, I'll pick up all sorts of men. Men who are interested in my body, men who see me as an object, men who have no respect for me, and how about men who don't want to date me, they just want some sort of physical intimacy without a commitment? I think the bible has a term for these kind of guys: whoremonger.
Your second suggestion: Wear a bikini
Brilliant suggestion. Just what a clumsy girl needs to attract a nice lifeguard fellow. And really, I am sure I could come to appreciate how a man can disrespect me with his eyes as he looks at most of my unclothed body and doesn't look me in the eye when he talks. Nothing like knowing you are appreciated like being leered over like a hunk of meat. I'm sure the love story in the paper announcing the relationship can say something like "Hoochie Girl Meets Whormonger". What a great title!
I guess I could become someone I'm not, and dress to attract the kind of guy I don't want, but the fact is, I am a quality girl. I don't need to dress inappropriately in order to attract a guy. Rest assured, in the future, should you see me and feel attracted to me without my cleavage and bikini, I'll make it a point of flirting and walking away. Can't touch this!
And someday, I hope my future daughters know how much value they have. They don't need to be immodest in order to get a date. They don't need to settle for a guy who is only focussed on their physical features. They can find someone who loves them for who they are, without dressing in an inappropriate way.
Not Your Hoochie Girl,
Les
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Dear Camera Company That Shall Not Be Named,
Dear Camera Company That Shall Not Be Named,
I'd have to say, by far, your digital camera is the least user friendly one I've ever used. I just spent an hour trying to transfer photos from the camera to my computer. It appears, your crappy software isn't really compatible with windows 7 64 bit version. Yes, it says it is, but in reality, it isn't. And to top it off, you've made it impossible to access the images without a memory card reader UNLESS I install your crappy software. If I hadn't already thrown out the box, I'd be heading back to the store to trade in your pretty little piece of crap camera for a Nikon or a Canon. In fact, I might see if I can find the reciept and do it anyways.
And whats with the software getting a facebook and youtube password so I can automatically upload and share my images on them? You got some facebook stock invested in your company? I am pretty sure that for some people, that automatic upload feature, which doesn't work for windows 7, could end up being a very very bad thing.
My Nikon and Canon do not require me to install software to access the images on the camera. And I don't need to go out and buy a memory card reader either. I'm not sure where you got the brilliant idea that you were making users lives easier by forcing them to install software, but as far as I'm concerned, my Nikon and Canon are by far superior in quality, ease of use, and transfering images.
In case you're wondering, there's a reason you are now at the bottom of the market when you were once at the top. Your pretty little building in the Rochester area might have a Nikon or Canon label on it if you keep up your inferior products.
I don't plan to buy anything you make ever again.
Les
I'd have to say, by far, your digital camera is the least user friendly one I've ever used. I just spent an hour trying to transfer photos from the camera to my computer. It appears, your crappy software isn't really compatible with windows 7 64 bit version. Yes, it says it is, but in reality, it isn't. And to top it off, you've made it impossible to access the images without a memory card reader UNLESS I install your crappy software. If I hadn't already thrown out the box, I'd be heading back to the store to trade in your pretty little piece of crap camera for a Nikon or a Canon. In fact, I might see if I can find the reciept and do it anyways.
And whats with the software getting a facebook and youtube password so I can automatically upload and share my images on them? You got some facebook stock invested in your company? I am pretty sure that for some people, that automatic upload feature, which doesn't work for windows 7, could end up being a very very bad thing.
My Nikon and Canon do not require me to install software to access the images on the camera. And I don't need to go out and buy a memory card reader either. I'm not sure where you got the brilliant idea that you were making users lives easier by forcing them to install software, but as far as I'm concerned, my Nikon and Canon are by far superior in quality, ease of use, and transfering images.
In case you're wondering, there's a reason you are now at the bottom of the market when you were once at the top. Your pretty little building in the Rochester area might have a Nikon or Canon label on it if you keep up your inferior products.
I don't plan to buy anything you make ever again.
Les
Monday, December 20, 2010
Dear Motorcycle
Dear Motorcycle,
You are calling to me. Begging me to ride you. One day soon I will. If I'm gonna die eventually, I might as well do it in a grand way and enjoy myself. And that means that if you kill me, at least I'll die happy and with a big grin on my face.
You are so shiny and pretty, you call to me. You beg me to ride you off into the sunset.
Next year is going to be the year. I will learn to ride you and then I will get that pretty little endorsement on my license. You just wait motorcycle.
Your Covetous Friend,
Les
You are calling to me. Begging me to ride you. One day soon I will. If I'm gonna die eventually, I might as well do it in a grand way and enjoy myself. And that means that if you kill me, at least I'll die happy and with a big grin on my face.
You are so shiny and pretty, you call to me. You beg me to ride you off into the sunset.
Next year is going to be the year. I will learn to ride you and then I will get that pretty little endorsement on my license. You just wait motorcycle.
Your Covetous Friend,
Les
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Dear C
Dear C,
I heard you speak in sacrament meeting a few years ago. It left a lasting impression. I thought to myself, I want to marry a guy like that. I didn't even know anything about you. Whether or not you were single, in a relationship, divorced, basically, I didn't know anything. And then one day I discovered you were in my ward and learned a little more about you. Then you came and taught relief society. It wasn't even my idea, but you wowed me.
Do you know I wanted to get to know you after that? It took me like 3 or 4 months to even get the nerve to talk to you outside of asking you calling related stuff. I know I seem all that confident, but trust me, it was about the most I've ever been out of my comfort zone to drop something off at your house. I think it took about a week for me to talk myself into it.
Then, I thought, maybe you were the slightest bit interested. But then you didn't call, or really do much of anything. Did I do something? Did you discover all my deep dark secrets that really aren't deep and dark or all that secret? Or are you so overwhelmed with life that I'd just be another distraction? You know, I'd be a good distraction.
You know this probably sounds retarded coming from me, but I really feel clueless when it comes to guys. The only ones I dated all crashed and burned pretty good. Let's be honest, I've learned to never give a guy my garage code, or my visa unless he's married to me.
And call me crazy, but all I want in a guy is someone like you. You aren't flashy. You don't feel the need to drive a fancy car or to wear trendy clothes, and you are frugal. I can hold a decent conversation with you and I find myself so attracted to you. I see you and my heart does this little happy skip.
Maybe I put you on a pedestal. I see you and I think, wow. You motivate me to be a better person. I want to be the girl you see potential in. I want to be the girl you think is amazing. I want to be the girl who speaks in church and you look at her and think "I want to marry a girl like that".
I hope someday you see me. Not just in a dress at church, but I hope you really see me. I could totally rock your world if you gave me a chance.
Your Admirer,
Les
I heard you speak in sacrament meeting a few years ago. It left a lasting impression. I thought to myself, I want to marry a guy like that. I didn't even know anything about you. Whether or not you were single, in a relationship, divorced, basically, I didn't know anything. And then one day I discovered you were in my ward and learned a little more about you. Then you came and taught relief society. It wasn't even my idea, but you wowed me.
Do you know I wanted to get to know you after that? It took me like 3 or 4 months to even get the nerve to talk to you outside of asking you calling related stuff. I know I seem all that confident, but trust me, it was about the most I've ever been out of my comfort zone to drop something off at your house. I think it took about a week for me to talk myself into it.
Then, I thought, maybe you were the slightest bit interested. But then you didn't call, or really do much of anything. Did I do something? Did you discover all my deep dark secrets that really aren't deep and dark or all that secret? Or are you so overwhelmed with life that I'd just be another distraction? You know, I'd be a good distraction.
You know this probably sounds retarded coming from me, but I really feel clueless when it comes to guys. The only ones I dated all crashed and burned pretty good. Let's be honest, I've learned to never give a guy my garage code, or my visa unless he's married to me.
And call me crazy, but all I want in a guy is someone like you. You aren't flashy. You don't feel the need to drive a fancy car or to wear trendy clothes, and you are frugal. I can hold a decent conversation with you and I find myself so attracted to you. I see you and my heart does this little happy skip.
Maybe I put you on a pedestal. I see you and I think, wow. You motivate me to be a better person. I want to be the girl you see potential in. I want to be the girl you think is amazing. I want to be the girl who speaks in church and you look at her and think "I want to marry a girl like that".
I hope someday you see me. Not just in a dress at church, but I hope you really see me. I could totally rock your world if you gave me a chance.
Your Admirer,
Les
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Dear Family
Dear Family,
I am so blessed to have you all. Tonight I've been reflecting on how blessed I am. Recently, I had a demonic stomach flu that left me puking and laying on the bathroom floor for hours. Mom came and brought me medicine and Christine came and took care of me for a few hours. How wonderful they were.
It sucked laying there and hoping the sick would end enough that I could lay in my bed or somewhere that wasn't tile, but having wonderful family drop whatever they were doing to care for me made me realize how loved I am. Thanks for that.
And Ang, what a brilliant sewer you are. You fixed what I attempted and probably made worse when I ripped my dress. And way better too. I used a needle and markers. Mine didn't turn out so well. Markers really aren't the best idea to color thread.
And Ben. You were so worried about me having a garage code that let certain people into my house that you came over in the morning and brought a ladder and helped me change it. It's nice to know you care enough to help me.
Dad raises cows and then shares the meat with us. The meat is way better and way cheaper than what stores have. And in the summer he shares his garden full of produce and his orchard full of fruit. He works so hard and he taught me the value of work. Despite his knees being in so much pain, he keeps going and doesn't give up.
And Jen so far away, yet we talk almost daily. And you fix my hair. When I told you the girl made it really blonde, you said not to worry, you'd put some brown back in. And I know you will. You are such a good sister. So considerate. You send us presents for our birthday. And I should send you more than I do.
And Becca. My sweet Becca is always so kind. I know she always will share or help me if she can. And she makes my nails pretty knowing that I'll probably mess them up in an hour because I love french manicures. And the same goes with pretty painted toes. She knows they won't last but does them anyways because it makes me happy.
Bridget calls me and we can talk about the runs we want to do together even if we don't always get them done. And we can laugh over the airheaded things we both do. And she is fun to just sit around and talk to. Thanksgiving was fun with her.
Carrie is a hardworking woman who never ceases to amaze me with all she does. She graduated with a nursing degree while raising 9 kids. Thats a lot to take on. And she works. She worked graveyards for a while and then took care of the kids on top of everything else. And eating at her house is way better than a restaurant. The Leone family can cook. It's too bad they don't live next door because I'd eat dinner at their house every night.
Family, thank you for who you are. For all you do. For being there when I'm sick, for being there when I'm sad, for being there to share in my joyous and triumphant moments. For cheering me on at the Half Ironman finish and getting me to the finish line. For supporting me in so many ways. I love you all and I am so glad you are a part of my life.
Love,
Les
I am so blessed to have you all. Tonight I've been reflecting on how blessed I am. Recently, I had a demonic stomach flu that left me puking and laying on the bathroom floor for hours. Mom came and brought me medicine and Christine came and took care of me for a few hours. How wonderful they were.
It sucked laying there and hoping the sick would end enough that I could lay in my bed or somewhere that wasn't tile, but having wonderful family drop whatever they were doing to care for me made me realize how loved I am. Thanks for that.
And Ang, what a brilliant sewer you are. You fixed what I attempted and probably made worse when I ripped my dress. And way better too. I used a needle and markers. Mine didn't turn out so well. Markers really aren't the best idea to color thread.
And Ben. You were so worried about me having a garage code that let certain people into my house that you came over in the morning and brought a ladder and helped me change it. It's nice to know you care enough to help me.
Dad raises cows and then shares the meat with us. The meat is way better and way cheaper than what stores have. And in the summer he shares his garden full of produce and his orchard full of fruit. He works so hard and he taught me the value of work. Despite his knees being in so much pain, he keeps going and doesn't give up.
And Jen so far away, yet we talk almost daily. And you fix my hair. When I told you the girl made it really blonde, you said not to worry, you'd put some brown back in. And I know you will. You are such a good sister. So considerate. You send us presents for our birthday. And I should send you more than I do.
And Becca. My sweet Becca is always so kind. I know she always will share or help me if she can. And she makes my nails pretty knowing that I'll probably mess them up in an hour because I love french manicures. And the same goes with pretty painted toes. She knows they won't last but does them anyways because it makes me happy.
Bridget calls me and we can talk about the runs we want to do together even if we don't always get them done. And we can laugh over the airheaded things we both do. And she is fun to just sit around and talk to. Thanksgiving was fun with her.
Carrie is a hardworking woman who never ceases to amaze me with all she does. She graduated with a nursing degree while raising 9 kids. Thats a lot to take on. And she works. She worked graveyards for a while and then took care of the kids on top of everything else. And eating at her house is way better than a restaurant. The Leone family can cook. It's too bad they don't live next door because I'd eat dinner at their house every night.
Family, thank you for who you are. For all you do. For being there when I'm sick, for being there when I'm sad, for being there to share in my joyous and triumphant moments. For cheering me on at the Half Ironman finish and getting me to the finish line. For supporting me in so many ways. I love you all and I am so glad you are a part of my life.
Love,
Les
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Dear Santa Les,
Dear Santa Les,
This year I've decided to be super selfish and ask for many things. I know you exists Santa Les, so here's what I want:
1. A certain guy to stop hitting on me
2. Tomatoes. I miss being able to pick fresh ones and the attempt to plant one in a planter and bring it in the house for winter failed miserably.
3. Can I please get a date with a guy with the following qualities: A short term memory, not covered entirely in tattoos, a real job that makes more than $7 an hour, is not secretly gay, has motivation, wants kids (yes plural, more than one), works hard, doesn't have a porn addiction, doesn't tell me my chest is too small, actually goes to church and has a temple recommend, and who is intelligent enough to hold a decent conversations with me. I know thats asking a lot considering the blind dates I've been set up on in the past, but all men don't belong on the Island of Unwanted Toys. Surely there are some regular decent ones.
4. Can the date turn into a love slave? I'd really like my driveway shoveled by someone else when it snows and I'm about to break down and buy a snowblower. It might save me $500.
5. Mmmm, italian salad and maybe some stromboli. Can you tell it's dinnertime? I think Santa Les might have to make some.
6. Permission to throw away ugly little Christmas decorations people give me. I know I'm not decorative, but why should I hang up something horrendous when I can trash it and be perfectly content.
7. A fireplace in my bedroom. I've come to realize that I love my fireplace. Can I move my bedroom into the family room and put my bed next to the fireplace?
8. Is it too much to ask for a motorcycle? They are really shiny and pretty.
9. Do they make break-proof food processors? I've ruined about of those things in the past year. I don't want to buy a new one if I'm just going to break it again.
10. And finally, can I please please please please please please please put a hot tub in my kitchen? I don't really use the table and it would be way more fun to have hot tub parties indoors where it's warm.
Love your really really well behaved present coveter,
Les
This year I've decided to be super selfish and ask for many things. I know you exists Santa Les, so here's what I want:
1. A certain guy to stop hitting on me
2. Tomatoes. I miss being able to pick fresh ones and the attempt to plant one in a planter and bring it in the house for winter failed miserably.
3. Can I please get a date with a guy with the following qualities: A short term memory, not covered entirely in tattoos, a real job that makes more than $7 an hour, is not secretly gay, has motivation, wants kids (yes plural, more than one), works hard, doesn't have a porn addiction, doesn't tell me my chest is too small, actually goes to church and has a temple recommend, and who is intelligent enough to hold a decent conversations with me. I know thats asking a lot considering the blind dates I've been set up on in the past, but all men don't belong on the Island of Unwanted Toys. Surely there are some regular decent ones.
4. Can the date turn into a love slave? I'd really like my driveway shoveled by someone else when it snows and I'm about to break down and buy a snowblower. It might save me $500.
5. Mmmm, italian salad and maybe some stromboli. Can you tell it's dinnertime? I think Santa Les might have to make some.
6. Permission to throw away ugly little Christmas decorations people give me. I know I'm not decorative, but why should I hang up something horrendous when I can trash it and be perfectly content.
7. A fireplace in my bedroom. I've come to realize that I love my fireplace. Can I move my bedroom into the family room and put my bed next to the fireplace?
8. Is it too much to ask for a motorcycle? They are really shiny and pretty.
9. Do they make break-proof food processors? I've ruined about of those things in the past year. I don't want to buy a new one if I'm just going to break it again.
10. And finally, can I please please please please please please please put a hot tub in my kitchen? I don't really use the table and it would be way more fun to have hot tub parties indoors where it's warm.
Love your really really well behaved present coveter,
Les
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)