Dear Brownies

Dear Brownies,

I have to say, you made quite the lunch. Who knew that you could be so tasty and filling as a lunch? Apparently, I did since I ate you for my lunch.

Please take all those fat calories and put them in my chest and not my butt or my waist. I did use low-fat ingredients when I made you, so perhaps there are no fat calories and it's all in my imagination.

And while you're at it, can you please make my sister Christine's baby healthy and strong. I know she liked eating you after dinner. And since she has that diabetes test on Wednesday (that someone I know didn't take), she really needs the extra sugar overload and the healthy thing.

From what I hear that stuff they make you drink for the test is yucky. Perhaps I could crush you up and dump in her bottle of the sugar stuff for her test. All it can do is help right? And I'm sure Christine would be so appreciative of my support and flavoring of her diabetes test mix.

And if all else fails, at least it will give her drink special floaties.

Love,

Les

Dear Becca

Dear Becca,

Thanks for making my nails look all pretty. You made my night. I've been wanting pretty nails for a while and now I have them.

I know I'm clumsy and I might ruin them in a few days, but it's nice to have pretty fingers even if it's only a day or two. Maybe now a dreamy guy will come along and see the hot girl with pretty nails (yes, thats me) and totally ask me out and it will be your doing because it's all due to the nails.

Let's hope it's two days the nails stay intact. I promise not to garden, use a saw, use a shovel, or a hammer, or a nail gun, or an ax until at least Tuesday. That way maybe they will be pretty till then. And I probably won't use an ax at all. I don't own one and if I miss it will hurt a lot.

Anyways, it was fun to see you. I miss you when you aren't around. And I'm glad you are my sister.

Love,

Les

Dear SweetTarts,

Dear SweetTarts,

Today I discovered a package of you in the back of the cupboard that I had forgotten about. Since I love the purple flavor and I wanted a little sugar, I began to eat you. It started off with a blue, and then a green, then a red, then two more greens. And I began to wonder, where was the elusive purple, instead of opening as I ate, I decided to open all and find my purple. Then I got a red, then two more greens. Then a blue, and two more greens.

By the time I opened up your pack, I had a few reds and blues and lots and lots of greens. This has left me wondering, how exactly do you determine the process of putting the flavors in the package? Is it actually random, or did some employee accidentally cook up a giant batch of greens you had to get rid off?

Now I like green, don't get me wrong, but I don't want to eat so many greens that my pee turns green, or my tongue looks like I've eaten a snow cone.

And I really wanted a purple!!!!!!! Please fix your packaging process so I get some purples next time.

That being said, could you also make your chewy sweet tarts more readily available. They are so incredibly yummy and incredibly addicting, but hard to find. I think I've had to look at a dozen different stores in search of them.

Is that a hint that I should be on a diet? First you don't give me any purples and then you hide your chewy sweet tarts?

If you're suggesting that, it really is none of your business. Just give me the candy already!!! Purples and chewy ones.

Thanks,

Les

PS. I have a big bag of green ones I'll trade you some purples for

Dear Sinners

Dear Sinners,

In case you didn't hear, there was a "rapture" that was supposed to take place last Saturday. If you're reading this, you didn't get taken up to heaven. Thus, you are all sitting pretty with me and we're all going to hell in a bobsled.

Why a bobsled? Have you ever ridden in one? It takes you up to something like 3 or 5 G's in mere seconds. If you get motion sick like me, you'll be puking all over the driver guy by the end. Or you'll somehow manage to hold it in. Then you can lay on the ground wishing for sudden death for the next few hours as the world spins in circles around you.

Now, since this rapture thing didn't take me, or you, look on the bright side:

1. If fire and brimstone are really going to rain down on us, maybe we'll get some cool photos we can post on our blogs or on facebook. I mean how many people have ever taken photos of fire and brimstone?

2. If the power goes out, the fire and brimstone will probably keep a nice light going on so we won't need flashlights

3. Those jehovah's witnesses that keep leaving crap on my door might get their church burned up and realize that their lives filled with no fun and lack of celebration did them no good cuz their in the same boat as us funner ones

4. Can I just say BBQ? Mmm, think of all the steak and ribs slow roasing on a hot pile o brimstone for the eating.

5. Smores. Can there be a fire without smores? The marshmallows are so fun to burn.

6. If you're in the bobsled and the world is spinning, some things might look better than the did previously.

Love you all sinner people, glad you could join me,

Les

Dear Sunshine

Dear Sunshine,

I know you've only been gone for like 2 days, but I miss you. I have my fire roaring and I am cold. I want you to heat up my house to like 80 degrees so that when I get home from work you are nice and toasty.

And I really want you to make my painted daisies grow up nice and big. And soon would be nice. Once it gets roaring hot they tend to die off.

Les

Dear White Poison

Dear White Poison (aka Milk),

You are so great. You give me healthy teeth and healthy bones. Thanks to you, nothing has broken despite my numerous clumsy mishaps.

You taste good with cookies. You make a tasty rice pudding. You fill my sister kids tummies up so they aren't hungry and sad. You make me greatful for cereal. And cookies. And more cookies. And did I mention how great you are with cookies?

Yes, you do come from a cow, but I milked a cow one year at my parents house. We treated her well and gave her plenty of good food. She returned the favor by giving us plenty of milk and cream.

I am grateful to you nice cows who give us milk. Who have cute little baby cows that have soft fur and are fun to pet.

Thank you cows for your white poison. I will drink it so long as my body is able.

Les

Dear Cell Phones

Dear Cell Phones,

First, pretty red one. You've been faithful for nearly two years. For the past two months, not so much. You only had to hold out a little longer, but no, instead you decided to die. And you had to wait till all the cell phone stores were closed and I couldn't replace you.

And then there's you, crappy cheap replacement phone. I admit, I didn't like you. But I got you out of the classifieds, so what could I really expect? I didn't expect much of anything. Still, I did expect you to work for more than 5 hours!!! Now the car charger and the wall charger do nothing for you.

I'm on call tonight and there's nothing I can do if I get a support call since you won't turn on!!! That was a waste of money. Glad I didn't spend any more on you than I did.

And you, shiny black one now being fed-exed to my parents house in 1-2 day shipping. You best be working when you get there or else I'm gonna feed you to the nearly broken blender I have in my house. And that might be where pretty red dead cell goes and junky gray antique broken one go.

Why must I use a cell phone?

Les