Dear Cell Phones

Dear Cell Phones,

First, pretty red one. You've been faithful for nearly two years. For the past two months, not so much. You only had to hold out a little longer, but no, instead you decided to die. And you had to wait till all the cell phone stores were closed and I couldn't replace you.

And then there's you, crappy cheap replacement phone. I admit, I didn't like you. But I got you out of the classifieds, so what could I really expect? I didn't expect much of anything. Still, I did expect you to work for more than 5 hours!!! Now the car charger and the wall charger do nothing for you.

I'm on call tonight and there's nothing I can do if I get a support call since you won't turn on!!! That was a waste of money. Glad I didn't spend any more on you than I did.

And you, shiny black one now being fed-exed to my parents house in 1-2 day shipping. You best be working when you get there or else I'm gonna feed you to the nearly broken blender I have in my house. And that might be where pretty red dead cell goes and junky gray antique broken one go.

Why must I use a cell phone?

Les

Dear Spring

Dear Spring,

I am so happy you are hear. I love that my flowers are coming up. I am happy to see the flowers that are blooming. I'm happy to see the grass turning green. I am happy that it is growing warmer. I am happy to run outside and feel my toes at the end of it.

I love to see the plants coming alive again. I love the painted daisies in the spring. They are so pretty.

Loving you,

Leslie

Dear Boycotting Latinos,

Dear Boycotting Latinos,

I read today that you are going to boycott all the stores for two weeks. I just thought that I'd point out that you'll just spend twice as much money in two weeks because you didn't buy groceries for two weeks or things you need, or gas for your car. But go ahead and protest that probably means less time I'll wait in line at Walmart or Savers .

I really don't have a problem with Latinos. And some of them in the movies look really good. So really it isn't about looks. But I would appreciate it if you kept the laws and drove with car insurance. It sucks when people without insurance hit your car.

Anyways, I'd also appreciate it if you'd set up a taco stand in South Jordan, or at least sell tamales out of the trunk of your car. I realize that might not be the safest way to eat food, but taco stands and tamales are really tasty and I'd like some and I never see taco stands or tamale sellers around.

Maybe you could set up shop next to the girl scout cookie stand. Then I could buy tamales for dinner and thin mints for dessert.

Mmmm.....those girl scout cookies could almost double as dinner they are so tasty. Last year I made it officially girl scout cookie one day at church and brought like 5 boxes for snack during relief society. I do love church snacks. It makes church much more enjoyable cuz my tummy isn't telling me to go home and eat. And I bring water too. None of those germy drinking fountains for me. Kroger bottle water all the way.

And really Latinos, you could sell Kroger water to and I could eat my meal right there in the parking lot next to you and the girl scouts. Think about it, it's a win-win situation. And maybe the girl scouts will trade you some cookies for some tamales. That way you can still attempt the whole boycotting thing but still eat girl scout cookies. It can't hurt to ask right?

Your tamale eating friend,

Les

Dear BYU Basketball Team,

Dear BYU Basketball Team,

You are like a hormonal woman. One minute you're on fire and nothing can stop you. You dominated San Diego twice and it gave you a new ranking. The next moment you turn into a lousy team that gets beaten to a pulp by a lousy unranked team with average Joe's filling the roster.

How can you claim that you deserve a ranking and a number one seed for the NCAA tournament when you let New Mexico kick you clear to Mexico and back? Not once, but twice. And everyone else somehow manages to not lose.

One minute you're on fire, the next minute, when it's all about New Mexico, you suck.

Now I am wondering why I am keeping tabs on the game instead of sleeping. You are getting your butts kicked and you don't seem to care.

Goodnight,

Les

Dear C & J,

Dear C & J,

Isn't it kinda funny how life goes? A while back, months and years, I would've dated either of you. I saw you both as these amazing guys. I thought you were both brilliant, we had great conversations. But perspective is wonderful. Saw you recently. Not really planned, not uncomfortable, but very entertaining. I realized the water didn't have the depth I thought and shallow water isn't nearly as fun to swim in.

And the best part? I love to flirt with you and encourage you and then walk away so you'll know you totally missed out. Horrible? possibly. Yet incredibly fun.

What can I say, nothing like knowing you totally missed out on me. And knowing I'm so over it.

I might've been your trophy wife if you'd given me a chance. If you hadn't been kissing my friend the same time you were kissing me. If you had seen past the glimmer of the shallow girls and seen me for me. All you had to do was reach out your hand and I would've taken it.

I love me for being me. I'm so glad I am who I am and that you didn't choose me. I deserve someone who sees me for me.

Not your Barbie,

Les

Dear Sawzal

Dear Sawzal,

You are an incredibly cool tool. I managed to cut a board out of the floor. How cool is that? And I didn't cut off an arm, or a leg, or even cut myself. Or break you.

You are an amazing saw and way better than using something by hand. If you were a man, I'd totally date you. You're hard working, you might be a little bit grungy on the outside, but the inside you are of value. Although, you do cut things. I'm not sure I want my heart or my love chopped up in bits and pieces and left as firewood scraps. Maybe that only happens if someone uses you wrong though, and I wouldn't.

If you find a real man thats like you, let me know. Then I'll date him.

Les

Dear Diet Coke,

Dear Diet Coke,

I must thank you for making my headache go away. In fact, your special caffeine mixture left me feeling a bit wired and I pondered working on the basement more. But I didn't. Apparently, it also gave me a twinge of laziness. Or perhaps the headache did that.

But while I waited for you to kick in, I did watch a movie. And I must say, while the guy in the movie was incredibly hot, I didn't really like the plot. They stretched a story that could've been like a 20 minute movie into about 2 hours. I suppose it would've been 2 hours for me had I not gotten tired of all the sappy junk and fast forwarded through pretty much all of it. So maybe thats why I wasn't all that sad when the relationship crashed and burned. Well, that and really, a relationship probably should be more than what was probably 30 or 40 minutes of make out scenes that I fast forwarded through.

I must say, the dvd remote can work just like a dvr or tivo when I want it to. And I'm not really sad I skipped the corny parts. I don't think I missed much.

And dearest Diet Coke, headache reliever, did you know that a couple of ladies and I are thinking about drinking you to get us through relief society? Yep. You will make certain lessons more bearable. And I'm sure my attitude will be so much more pleasing when I burp coke breath rather than sit there quietly.

Les