Dear SweetTarts,

Dear SweetTarts,

Today I discovered a package of you in the back of the cupboard that I had forgotten about. Since I love the purple flavor and I wanted a little sugar, I began to eat you. It started off with a blue, and then a green, then a red, then two more greens. And I began to wonder, where was the elusive purple, instead of opening as I ate, I decided to open all and find my purple. Then I got a red, then two more greens. Then a blue, and two more greens.

By the time I opened up your pack, I had a few reds and blues and lots and lots of greens. This has left me wondering, how exactly do you determine the process of putting the flavors in the package? Is it actually random, or did some employee accidentally cook up a giant batch of greens you had to get rid off?

Now I like green, don't get me wrong, but I don't want to eat so many greens that my pee turns green, or my tongue looks like I've eaten a snow cone.

And I really wanted a purple!!!!!!! Please fix your packaging process so I get some purples next time.

That being said, could you also make your chewy sweet tarts more readily available. They are so incredibly yummy and incredibly addicting, but hard to find. I think I've had to look at a dozen different stores in search of them.

Is that a hint that I should be on a diet? First you don't give me any purples and then you hide your chewy sweet tarts?

If you're suggesting that, it really is none of your business. Just give me the candy already!!! Purples and chewy ones.

Thanks,

Les

PS. I have a big bag of green ones I'll trade you some purples for

Dear Sinners

Dear Sinners,

In case you didn't hear, there was a "rapture" that was supposed to take place last Saturday. If you're reading this, you didn't get taken up to heaven. Thus, you are all sitting pretty with me and we're all going to hell in a bobsled.

Why a bobsled? Have you ever ridden in one? It takes you up to something like 3 or 5 G's in mere seconds. If you get motion sick like me, you'll be puking all over the driver guy by the end. Or you'll somehow manage to hold it in. Then you can lay on the ground wishing for sudden death for the next few hours as the world spins in circles around you.

Now, since this rapture thing didn't take me, or you, look on the bright side:

1. If fire and brimstone are really going to rain down on us, maybe we'll get some cool photos we can post on our blogs or on facebook. I mean how many people have ever taken photos of fire and brimstone?

2. If the power goes out, the fire and brimstone will probably keep a nice light going on so we won't need flashlights

3. Those jehovah's witnesses that keep leaving crap on my door might get their church burned up and realize that their lives filled with no fun and lack of celebration did them no good cuz their in the same boat as us funner ones

4. Can I just say BBQ? Mmm, think of all the steak and ribs slow roasing on a hot pile o brimstone for the eating.

5. Smores. Can there be a fire without smores? The marshmallows are so fun to burn.

6. If you're in the bobsled and the world is spinning, some things might look better than the did previously.

Love you all sinner people, glad you could join me,

Les

Dear Sunshine

Dear Sunshine,

I know you've only been gone for like 2 days, but I miss you. I have my fire roaring and I am cold. I want you to heat up my house to like 80 degrees so that when I get home from work you are nice and toasty.

And I really want you to make my painted daisies grow up nice and big. And soon would be nice. Once it gets roaring hot they tend to die off.

Les