Dear Easter Egg,
You are the reason one should never ever have an indoor egg hunt through one's house. At least you weren't a real egg, only one filled with rock hard nasty candy.
I am glad the ants and bugs didn't find their way into you brilliant, yet months long, hiding place. I am glad I pay the pest control to come on a regular basis so that this wasn't a possiblity. I am glad I didn't find any bugs despite your icky nature. Had I done so, this would be more of a freak out panic stricken letter. Instead, I am grateful that you chose to behave other than hiding when I wanted you to be found.
You know, I always thought it was a bad idea to have an indoor egg hunt, but it was dark and cold, so the bad idea won out. Note to self: Bad ideas are still bad ideas even when its dark and cold outside.
Thank you for not making an icky mess all over in your hiding place and luring bugs and other screaming-like things into your location. I much appreciate it.
You are the reason there will not be an indoor egg hunt throughout my house next year.
Les
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Monday, September 20, 2010
Dear Fire
Dear Fire,
You are powerful. I could see what looked like you burning up half of Herriman from my house. You blew lots of smoke my direction. My house smells like a campfire. My sinuses are burning and my eyes hurt. I don't know why I'm even considering running with all of the smoke you created in the air.
I see you and I see the power of God. I see that he is the creator of the universe and that we, his children, must rely on him for all we have and to safely escape the flames of life.
Your big flaming Herriman fire reminds me of a poem by William Blake:
THE TYGER
Tyger! Tyger! burning bright
In the forests of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Could frame thy fearful symmetry?
In what distant deeps or skies
Burnt the fire of thine eyes?
On what wings dare he aspire?
What the hand dare sieze the fire?
And what shoulder, & what art.
Could twist the sinews of thy heart?
And when thy heart began to beat,
What dread hand? & what dread feet?
What the hammer? what the chain?
In what furnace was thy brain?
What the anvil? what dread grasp
Dare its deadly terrors clasp?
When the stars threw down their spears,
And watered heaven with their tears,
Did he smile his work to see?
Did he who made the Lamb make thee?
Tyger! Tyger! burning bright
In the forests of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?
I know, its a strange poem, and could be perceived as dark, but I don't see it that way.
But fire, please stop blowing smoke into my house and sinuses.
Les
You are powerful. I could see what looked like you burning up half of Herriman from my house. You blew lots of smoke my direction. My house smells like a campfire. My sinuses are burning and my eyes hurt. I don't know why I'm even considering running with all of the smoke you created in the air.
I see you and I see the power of God. I see that he is the creator of the universe and that we, his children, must rely on him for all we have and to safely escape the flames of life.
Your big flaming Herriman fire reminds me of a poem by William Blake:
THE TYGER
Tyger! Tyger! burning bright
In the forests of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Could frame thy fearful symmetry?
In what distant deeps or skies
Burnt the fire of thine eyes?
On what wings dare he aspire?
What the hand dare sieze the fire?
And what shoulder, & what art.
Could twist the sinews of thy heart?
And when thy heart began to beat,
What dread hand? & what dread feet?
What the hammer? what the chain?
In what furnace was thy brain?
What the anvil? what dread grasp
Dare its deadly terrors clasp?
When the stars threw down their spears,
And watered heaven with their tears,
Did he smile his work to see?
Did he who made the Lamb make thee?
Tyger! Tyger! burning bright
In the forests of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?
I know, its a strange poem, and could be perceived as dark, but I don't see it that way.
But fire, please stop blowing smoke into my house and sinuses.
Les
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Dear Self
Dear Self,
You felt discouraged today. You started to lose faith in yourself. You wondered why everyone around you got to have wonderful families, while you sat their yearning for yours. You saw that they had a best friend to talk to and to go home with and you felt jealous. You saw moms rocking their little children and yearned for that. The yearning was so bad it hurt. You wondered why God couldn't give you that. You've been so faithful and tried so hard, and yet it's eluded you.
You saw all the little babies and wondered if perhaps it really wasn't in the cards for you. It made you feel discouraged. You pleaded with God to give you hope. You still plead with him to give you faith and hope, not to give up.
You have prayed so hard today with him to just give you something. You question the whys sometimes. There's nothing wrong with you. You are cute, and smart, and you are living your life right. You can honestly say that your life is aligned with what the Lord wants it to be.
You know though, you'll never give up on yourself. All the while you struggled with those feelings, you prayed and asked the Lord to help you be strong, to have faith, hope, and to carry on. And you will, you did then, and you will now.
You know, you may not have the greatest desires of your heart, but you've got it pretty good. You have a great job that you love. You work with quality people who aren't crass and use appropriate language. You love your house and yard. You have so many nieces and nephews that you love and adore. You feel this little happy jump in your heart when the little ones come running to you with giant smiles as they see you. You have so much to be grateful for: food, clothes, shelter, scriptures, prophets, leaders, a car, contacts, heat, blankets, hoodies, pickles, water, a computer, a giant king bed you don't have to share, a blankie, a house that isn't burning down, wonderful parents, indoor plumbing, books, books, and more books, great parents, six of the best sisters a girl could ask for, a kind brother who drops everything to help you move big things, neighbors who look out for you, the blessings of taking the sacrament each week, shoes, jackets to wear when it's cold, enough money to buy food when you're hungry, beautiful hymns to listen to, ears that can hear, medicine when you are sick, flowers, pillows, hot water, a body that can run and exercise, a bike, a knowledge of the atonement, trees, a sense of smell, a temple so close that you can see it out your windows, furniture, carpet, a giant tub to soak in after a long cold run in the winter, internet access, hometeachers who show up every month, there are so many things, the list could go on for pages. I am grateful for so many things.
And I promise you, when that day comes and you get married to that really good guy that eludes you, and you get your own little one to rock, you won't take it for granted. You will appreciate them so much. You'll cherish your time with them. Your experiences will make you a better mother. And you'll be so grateful.
Keep the faith,
Les
You felt discouraged today. You started to lose faith in yourself. You wondered why everyone around you got to have wonderful families, while you sat their yearning for yours. You saw that they had a best friend to talk to and to go home with and you felt jealous. You saw moms rocking their little children and yearned for that. The yearning was so bad it hurt. You wondered why God couldn't give you that. You've been so faithful and tried so hard, and yet it's eluded you.
You saw all the little babies and wondered if perhaps it really wasn't in the cards for you. It made you feel discouraged. You pleaded with God to give you hope. You still plead with him to give you faith and hope, not to give up.
You have prayed so hard today with him to just give you something. You question the whys sometimes. There's nothing wrong with you. You are cute, and smart, and you are living your life right. You can honestly say that your life is aligned with what the Lord wants it to be.
You know though, you'll never give up on yourself. All the while you struggled with those feelings, you prayed and asked the Lord to help you be strong, to have faith, hope, and to carry on. And you will, you did then, and you will now.
You know, you may not have the greatest desires of your heart, but you've got it pretty good. You have a great job that you love. You work with quality people who aren't crass and use appropriate language. You love your house and yard. You have so many nieces and nephews that you love and adore. You feel this little happy jump in your heart when the little ones come running to you with giant smiles as they see you. You have so much to be grateful for: food, clothes, shelter, scriptures, prophets, leaders, a car, contacts, heat, blankets, hoodies, pickles, water, a computer, a giant king bed you don't have to share, a blankie, a house that isn't burning down, wonderful parents, indoor plumbing, books, books, and more books, great parents, six of the best sisters a girl could ask for, a kind brother who drops everything to help you move big things, neighbors who look out for you, the blessings of taking the sacrament each week, shoes, jackets to wear when it's cold, enough money to buy food when you're hungry, beautiful hymns to listen to, ears that can hear, medicine when you are sick, flowers, pillows, hot water, a body that can run and exercise, a bike, a knowledge of the atonement, trees, a sense of smell, a temple so close that you can see it out your windows, furniture, carpet, a giant tub to soak in after a long cold run in the winter, internet access, hometeachers who show up every month, there are so many things, the list could go on for pages. I am grateful for so many things.
And I promise you, when that day comes and you get married to that really good guy that eludes you, and you get your own little one to rock, you won't take it for granted. You will appreciate them so much. You'll cherish your time with them. Your experiences will make you a better mother. And you'll be so grateful.
Keep the faith,
Les
Monday, September 6, 2010
Dear Warcy Rilley
Dear Warcy Rilley,
I don't know why I ever bother to look at your stores. I suppose it's because your location is convenient. Every time I go, I am reminded as to why you suck. Thats right, YOU SUCK! And not in a good way.
Let me reminisce....on Saturday I went over to your store because I wanted to buy a bed for my guest bedroom. I looked over the selection and had just decided to ask a salesman about a certain bed when one walked up to me.
Well, I thought, he might get his commission today. Little did I know. I am not really sure why you hire old men who look at me as their potential victim. I'm not dumb, I'm not ignorant, and just because I'm a woman doesn't mean your chauvinistic salesman can try and trick me into buying a bed thats $500 over the price I told him I was willing to pay.
Instead of helping me with the bed I originally wanted, he drags me all over the store to show me better beds (ie more expensive). Finally, I ask him to just show me the what I was originally looking at and he gave me some dumb excuse as to why that wasn't the bed I needed and insisted that I didn't need to look at it. So I told him I wasn't going to buy anything from him that day and so he walked away.
Previously, I had tried to order via the Warcy Rilley website. If you have gone to it, you'll want to make note, it is about the shoddiest excuse for programming I've ever encountered. Why you ask? First of all, you show items that they don't actually have in any of your stores or that you actually carry. One would think that you would remove items you don't actually have stock for, but apparently not. I added one to my cart to go along with the item I decided to order. Then I went through everything and got to the submit payment order. So far so good. I click submit order to run my credit card. Then I get directed to a page where it tells me one of the items was out of stock and it basically wiped out my entire order and my entire cart. At this point, I have no idea whether or not my card got charged, it told me nothing. I called your customer service and the guy said that you don't check inventory until you click the button to charge your card. What??? Why not check inventory when it's added to the cart or you select a location to pick it up? That makes sense right? Not according to your sorry @%$ website. It's much easier to run someones card and put the funds on hold and then tell them sorry.
Anyways, my order ended up getting voided out. The phone guy couldn't run my order through and apparently the only option I had was to reorder on the website and run the risk of double funds on hold, or going to the store. Which reminds me, I better check my card and make sure the website really didn't take my funds.
You'd think either on of those experiences would be enough to make me not want to go to your store, but yet again, this was the first strike.
I ordered some cute barstools from you. I had to pick them up, which I did. But at the time I was dealing with some health issues so it was exhausting and by the time I got them, I felt beat. A day or two later, I open the boxes and discover that each box has 2 barstools each in it and they've given me twice as many stools as they should have. Being the honest person that I am, I called you to tell you the mistake. You'd think you'd say ok, we'll come get them right? Nope, the girl says, well you have to bring them back because it's not worth it to us to pick them up. Then she proceeds to bill my Visa for them as motivation to return them and informs me that if I want to be refunded I will bring them back.
Hindsight is brilliant. If it were today, I'd tell her to remove the charges or I will file a fraud complaint since the order shows only a certain number of stools. And I would insist you come get them since it was your mistake. You even loaded them in the truck for me! I shouldn't have to return items because you messed up. It's called customer service. Which apparently you lack.
My experiences have led me to realize: You are basically one step up from a cheap particle board furniture store. And yet, at least they have customer service. If I ever shop in your store again, it's probably because either I've got a submission issue to deal with and I like being bullied by vulturous old men or I like to buy junk. Maybe both.
Your unsatisfied ex-customer,
Les
PS. I bought a bed somewhere else later in the day
I don't know why I ever bother to look at your stores. I suppose it's because your location is convenient. Every time I go, I am reminded as to why you suck. Thats right, YOU SUCK! And not in a good way.
Let me reminisce....on Saturday I went over to your store because I wanted to buy a bed for my guest bedroom. I looked over the selection and had just decided to ask a salesman about a certain bed when one walked up to me.
Well, I thought, he might get his commission today. Little did I know. I am not really sure why you hire old men who look at me as their potential victim. I'm not dumb, I'm not ignorant, and just because I'm a woman doesn't mean your chauvinistic salesman can try and trick me into buying a bed thats $500 over the price I told him I was willing to pay.
Instead of helping me with the bed I originally wanted, he drags me all over the store to show me better beds (ie more expensive). Finally, I ask him to just show me the what I was originally looking at and he gave me some dumb excuse as to why that wasn't the bed I needed and insisted that I didn't need to look at it. So I told him I wasn't going to buy anything from him that day and so he walked away.
Previously, I had tried to order via the Warcy Rilley website. If you have gone to it, you'll want to make note, it is about the shoddiest excuse for programming I've ever encountered. Why you ask? First of all, you show items that they don't actually have in any of your stores or that you actually carry. One would think that you would remove items you don't actually have stock for, but apparently not. I added one to my cart to go along with the item I decided to order. Then I went through everything and got to the submit payment order. So far so good. I click submit order to run my credit card. Then I get directed to a page where it tells me one of the items was out of stock and it basically wiped out my entire order and my entire cart. At this point, I have no idea whether or not my card got charged, it told me nothing. I called your customer service and the guy said that you don't check inventory until you click the button to charge your card. What??? Why not check inventory when it's added to the cart or you select a location to pick it up? That makes sense right? Not according to your sorry @%$ website. It's much easier to run someones card and put the funds on hold and then tell them sorry.
Anyways, my order ended up getting voided out. The phone guy couldn't run my order through and apparently the only option I had was to reorder on the website and run the risk of double funds on hold, or going to the store. Which reminds me, I better check my card and make sure the website really didn't take my funds.
You'd think either on of those experiences would be enough to make me not want to go to your store, but yet again, this was the first strike.
I ordered some cute barstools from you. I had to pick them up, which I did. But at the time I was dealing with some health issues so it was exhausting and by the time I got them, I felt beat. A day or two later, I open the boxes and discover that each box has 2 barstools each in it and they've given me twice as many stools as they should have. Being the honest person that I am, I called you to tell you the mistake. You'd think you'd say ok, we'll come get them right? Nope, the girl says, well you have to bring them back because it's not worth it to us to pick them up. Then she proceeds to bill my Visa for them as motivation to return them and informs me that if I want to be refunded I will bring them back.
Hindsight is brilliant. If it were today, I'd tell her to remove the charges or I will file a fraud complaint since the order shows only a certain number of stools. And I would insist you come get them since it was your mistake. You even loaded them in the truck for me! I shouldn't have to return items because you messed up. It's called customer service. Which apparently you lack.
My experiences have led me to realize: You are basically one step up from a cheap particle board furniture store. And yet, at least they have customer service. If I ever shop in your store again, it's probably because either I've got a submission issue to deal with and I like being bullied by vulturous old men or I like to buy junk. Maybe both.
Your unsatisfied ex-customer,
Les
PS. I bought a bed somewhere else later in the day
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Dearest Spiders
Dearest Spiders,
Today while in the garage I noticed a giant one of you. A wolf spider kind. You were huge. I could see your beady little eyes and you probably had fangs the size of needles. I wanted to scream and freak out, but I didn't. I calmly got a large object and killed you with it. I didn't even scream while I did it, which I did do the time before.
I really would appreciate it if you would stay out of my house and garage. This is also to warn you that the pest control man is going to come and spray poison all over the inside and outside of my house and should you choose to remain, you will die. And I won't be sad.
Please go away,
Les
Today while in the garage I noticed a giant one of you. A wolf spider kind. You were huge. I could see your beady little eyes and you probably had fangs the size of needles. I wanted to scream and freak out, but I didn't. I calmly got a large object and killed you with it. I didn't even scream while I did it, which I did do the time before.
I really would appreciate it if you would stay out of my house and garage. This is also to warn you that the pest control man is going to come and spray poison all over the inside and outside of my house and should you choose to remain, you will die. And I won't be sad.
Please go away,
Les
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Dear Red Leather Couch
Dear Red Leather Couch,
Do you have any idea how much I covet you? You would be perfect for the book room. It would be nice to sit in you and read for hours. Alas, the frugal in me stops myself from buying you.
Instead, I check on you regularly to see if you are still available and I wish I could buy you.
Am I broke you ask? No, but I am making myself budget, and you aren't exactly in the budget. I've made it so far without spending money on you, must resist.
Do you have any idea how long I've wanted a red leather couch? Becca knows. She knows one day she will come to my house and see a pretty red leather couch, but she also sees the frugal fighting the leather couch vibes.
Someday red leather couch, you will be in the book room or the tv room. I wish soon, and I know I could grant that wish, but sometimes its good to stop. Just because you can do something doesn't mean you should. I tell myself that with money and make myself stick to a budget.
Red, red, where can you be? Are you out there waiting for me? Couch, I am waiting, happily anticipating.
Someday in my dreams,
Les
Do you have any idea how much I covet you? You would be perfect for the book room. It would be nice to sit in you and read for hours. Alas, the frugal in me stops myself from buying you.
Instead, I check on you regularly to see if you are still available and I wish I could buy you.
Am I broke you ask? No, but I am making myself budget, and you aren't exactly in the budget. I've made it so far without spending money on you, must resist.
Do you have any idea how long I've wanted a red leather couch? Becca knows. She knows one day she will come to my house and see a pretty red leather couch, but she also sees the frugal fighting the leather couch vibes.
Someday red leather couch, you will be in the book room or the tv room. I wish soon, and I know I could grant that wish, but sometimes its good to stop. Just because you can do something doesn't mean you should. I tell myself that with money and make myself stick to a budget.
Red, red, where can you be? Are you out there waiting for me? Couch, I am waiting, happily anticipating.
Someday in my dreams,
Les
Friday, August 6, 2010
Dear Ms. Mephanie Steyers
Dear Ms. Mephanie Steyers,
I read your books Twitard, Elispits, New Goon, and Breaking Up. I must say, your literary prose inspires me. I want to be in a relationship like Deadward and Beltard. You've managed to capture the essence of human relationship. It isn't about finding onesself in life, it's all about stalking someone else, biting them, and giving up hobbies, sense of self, and identity to allow yourself to become nothing but a boring, dull person.
Reminds me of some girls I knew from when I was in the singles ward. Their whole goal in life was to get married. They didn't care about college, or a real job, or anything. They just wanted to find a husband to take care of them. They worked at dead end jobs or didn't work and hoped for that. So thats great. You inspire those girls to sit back and wait for someone to take care of them, and do nothing with their lives. They can know that it isn't important to get a real job or to learn to take care of themselves. Helplessness is the ideal.
What happened to me Mephanie? Why can't is sit around in little nighgowns pining for my stalker to come to me? Am I looking in the wrong places? Do I need to start attending goth shows to get a guy?
Maybe I should buy a motorcycle or jump off a cliff like Beltard, or run around saying stupid one liners like Deadward. No, wait! I know, I can pretend I'm a vampire. The latest craze is that teenagers are actually biting each other, some even get tooth implants of fangs!!! So inspiring. I am going to have bookshelves full of your books because I want my future teenage daughter coming home with bite marks on her body and sharpened teeth. Creepy is the new sexy. Thank you for making me realize that.
I wish I were more like Deadward and Beltard. And I wish I wrote as well as you did. Nothing like making millions on 4 books that are essential a rehash of each other and yet, sound like they came from an engineer who watches reruns of Saved by the Bell. You motivate me!
In closing, thank you Mephanie, you have given a whole new meaning to book burnings.
Your "biggest" Fan,
Les
I read your books Twitard, Elispits, New Goon, and Breaking Up. I must say, your literary prose inspires me. I want to be in a relationship like Deadward and Beltard. You've managed to capture the essence of human relationship. It isn't about finding onesself in life, it's all about stalking someone else, biting them, and giving up hobbies, sense of self, and identity to allow yourself to become nothing but a boring, dull person.
Reminds me of some girls I knew from when I was in the singles ward. Their whole goal in life was to get married. They didn't care about college, or a real job, or anything. They just wanted to find a husband to take care of them. They worked at dead end jobs or didn't work and hoped for that. So thats great. You inspire those girls to sit back and wait for someone to take care of them, and do nothing with their lives. They can know that it isn't important to get a real job or to learn to take care of themselves. Helplessness is the ideal.
What happened to me Mephanie? Why can't is sit around in little nighgowns pining for my stalker to come to me? Am I looking in the wrong places? Do I need to start attending goth shows to get a guy?
Maybe I should buy a motorcycle or jump off a cliff like Beltard, or run around saying stupid one liners like Deadward. No, wait! I know, I can pretend I'm a vampire. The latest craze is that teenagers are actually biting each other, some even get tooth implants of fangs!!! So inspiring. I am going to have bookshelves full of your books because I want my future teenage daughter coming home with bite marks on her body and sharpened teeth. Creepy is the new sexy. Thank you for making me realize that.
I wish I were more like Deadward and Beltard. And I wish I wrote as well as you did. Nothing like making millions on 4 books that are essential a rehash of each other and yet, sound like they came from an engineer who watches reruns of Saved by the Bell. You motivate me!
In closing, thank you Mephanie, you have given a whole new meaning to book burnings.
Your "biggest" Fan,
Les
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