Dear Self

Dear Self,

You felt discouraged today. You started to lose faith in yourself. You wondered why everyone around you got to have wonderful families, while you sat their yearning for yours. You saw that they had a best friend to talk to and to go home with and you felt jealous. You saw moms rocking their little children and yearned for that. The yearning was so bad it hurt. You wondered why God couldn't give you that. You've been so faithful and tried so hard, and yet it's eluded you.

You saw all the little babies and wondered if perhaps it really wasn't in the cards for you. It made you feel discouraged. You pleaded with God to give you hope. You still plead with him to give you faith and hope, not to give up.

You have prayed so hard today with him to just give you something. You question the whys sometimes. There's nothing wrong with you. You are cute, and smart, and you are living your life right. You can honestly say that your life is aligned with what the Lord wants it to be.

You know though, you'll never give up on yourself. All the while you struggled with those feelings, you prayed and asked the Lord to help you be strong, to have faith, hope, and to carry on. And you will, you did then, and you will now.

You know, you may not have the greatest desires of your heart, but you've got it pretty good. You have a great job that you love. You work with quality people who aren't crass and use appropriate language. You love your house and yard. You have so many nieces and nephews that you love and adore. You feel this little happy jump in your heart when the little ones come running to you with giant smiles as they see you. You have so much to be grateful for: food, clothes, shelter, scriptures, prophets, leaders, a car, contacts, heat, blankets, hoodies, pickles, water, a computer, a giant king bed you don't have to share, a blankie, a house that isn't burning down, wonderful parents, indoor plumbing, books, books, and more books, great parents, six of the best sisters a girl could ask for, a kind brother who drops everything to help you move big things, neighbors who look out for you, the blessings of taking the sacrament each week, shoes, jackets to wear when it's cold, enough money to buy food when you're hungry, beautiful hymns to listen to, ears that can hear, medicine when you are sick, flowers, pillows, hot water, a body that can run and exercise, a bike, a knowledge of the atonement, trees, a sense of smell, a temple so close that you can see it out your windows, furniture, carpet, a giant tub to soak in after a long cold run in the winter, internet access, hometeachers who show up every month, there are so many things, the list could go on for pages. I am grateful for so many things.

And I promise you, when that day comes and you get married to that really good guy that eludes you, and you get your own little one to rock, you won't take it for granted. You will appreciate them so much. You'll cherish your time with them. Your experiences will make you a better mother. And you'll be so grateful.

Keep the faith,

Les