Dearest Spiders

Dearest Spiders,

Today while in the garage I noticed a giant one of you. A wolf spider kind. You were huge. I could see your beady little eyes and you probably had fangs the size of needles. I wanted to scream and freak out, but I didn't. I calmly got a large object and killed you with it. I didn't even scream while I did it, which I did do the time before.

I really would appreciate it if you would stay out of my house and garage. This is also to warn you that the pest control man is going to come and spray poison all over the inside and outside of my house and should you choose to remain, you will die. And I won't be sad.

Please go away,

Les

Dear Red Leather Couch

Dear Red Leather Couch,

Do you have any idea how much I covet you? You would be perfect for the book room. It would be nice to sit in you and read for hours. Alas, the frugal in me stops myself from buying you.

Instead, I check on you regularly to see if you are still available and I wish I could buy you.

Am I broke you ask? No, but I am making myself budget, and you aren't exactly in the budget. I've made it so far without spending money on you, must resist.

Do you have any idea how long I've wanted a red leather couch? Becca knows. She knows one day she will come to my house and see a pretty red leather couch, but she also sees the frugal fighting the leather couch vibes.

Someday red leather couch, you will be in the book room or the tv room. I wish soon, and I know I could grant that wish, but sometimes its good to stop. Just because you can do something doesn't mean you should. I tell myself that with money and make myself stick to a budget.

Red, red, where can you be? Are you out there waiting for me? Couch, I am waiting, happily anticipating.

Someday in my dreams,

Les

Dear Ms. Mephanie Steyers

Dear Ms. Mephanie Steyers,

I read your books Twitard, Elispits, New Goon, and Breaking Up. I must say, your literary prose inspires me. I want to be in a relationship like Deadward and Beltard. You've managed to capture the essence of human relationship. It isn't about finding onesself in life, it's all about stalking someone else, biting them, and giving up hobbies, sense of self, and identity to allow yourself to become nothing but a boring, dull person.

Reminds me of some girls I knew from when I was in the singles ward. Their whole goal in life was to get married. They didn't care about college, or a real job, or anything. They just wanted to find a husband to take care of them. They worked at dead end jobs or didn't work and hoped for that. So thats great. You inspire those girls to sit back and wait for someone to take care of them, and do nothing with their lives. They can know that it isn't important to get a real job or to learn to take care of themselves. Helplessness is the ideal.

What happened to me Mephanie? Why can't is sit around in little nighgowns pining for my stalker to come to me? Am I looking in the wrong places? Do I need to start attending goth shows to get a guy?

Maybe I should buy a motorcycle or jump off a cliff like Beltard, or run around saying stupid one liners like Deadward. No, wait! I know, I can pretend I'm a vampire. The latest craze is that teenagers are actually biting each other, some even get tooth implants of fangs!!! So inspiring. I am going to have bookshelves full of your books because I want my future teenage daughter coming home with bite marks on her body and sharpened teeth. Creepy is the new sexy. Thank you for making me realize that.

I wish I were more like Deadward and Beltard. And I wish I wrote as well as you did. Nothing like making millions on 4 books that are essential a rehash of each other and yet, sound like they came from an engineer who watches reruns of Saved by the Bell. You motivate me!

In closing, thank you Mephanie, you have given a whole new meaning to book burnings.

Your "biggest" Fan,

Les